What Happens in Vegas
by JessTerr
Summary: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas unless of course you get too inebriated and make poor decisions. Follow a tale about a career-minded Piper as she happens to run into a total slacker Alex. Just how many messes can our girls get themselves into? [Follows the structure and script of the movie with the same name.]
1. Life's Way of Sucking

_A/N: The idea behind this fic came from Librarybook many, many months ago. She said she wondered how Alex and Piper would cope to being accidentally married. While I've tried to make this as Vauseman as possible, it pretty much follows the structure and script of the movie. Creative? Maybe, maybe not. I'll let the readers decide._

 _Prepare yourself for an intense amount of ridiculousness since we know that our Alex is nowhere the massive dork that is Ashton Kutcher, or is she?_

 _To reiterate from the summary_ _: [Follows the structure and script of the movie with the same name.], especially Ch 1_

* * *

A blonde woman who was the definition of perfection, wearing a short, tight skirt trotted out of the residential complex with a man with close cropped but curly dark brown hair, brown eyes, a well-defined nose and pale skin. His tie was tucked under his sweater vest which was pulled over a button down. There hardly seemed to be any room under his suit jacket with all of his jackass layers.

"Here you go, sweetie." She handed the man a smoothie as they both headed out of the complex for work. She took a sip from her straw protruding from her own cup. The matching hard plastic cups with matching plastic straws were the usual. "I tried banana nut sprout this morning. Thought, you know, a little change of pace, thought somebody deserves something special for his birthday, Larry," the blonde chirped. Her voice was a little on the too sweet sing-songy side.

The dour look on Larry's face did not even begin to hide his disgust. Larry took a sip and fought his gag reflex. "Yeah. It's good Piper," he said, quickly looking away so she wouldn't see.

Without noticing her fiancé's reaction, Piper continued to babble as she beamed at him. "Okay, so I made reservations tonight at Babbo at 8:30. I thought maybe we could talk about, you know, setting a date?"

Grumbling out loud, Larry questioned the blonde. "Did you just make a plan to make a plan?"

"Did I just do that again?" Piper put a little pouty face on that normally got her what she wanted.

"Yeah, you did." The man was frowning as he glanced up to check the intersection.

"Sorry."

"It's all right." Not really. In fact, Larry was quite fed up with the type A personality antics of the woman he had asked to marry him.

"All right, I'll see you later, okay?" Larry turned to cross the corner towards his job.

Piper called out after him, grabbing his elbow. "Hey, hey, hey! Love you."

He winced, turning back to his fiancé. She leaned in for a kiss, and he leaned up to kiss her on the forehead. "Love you, too. Bye."

"Happy birthday!" She called across to Larry.

"You, too!" He absent-mindedly called back over the shoulder, completely missing the befuddled look on Piper's face.

* * *

The tall, lanky black-haired woman opened the door to her apartment wearing a raggedy t-shirt and cut off sweats. She eyed the woman standing in front of her before pushing her black-rimmed glasses up to the top of her head.

A long-legged woman stood there, dressed in an adult scout uniform with an extremely short skirt. The newcomer kicked a heel back, pushed her ample breasts forward, and cheerfully said, "Hello ma'am. Would you like to buy some cookies?"

The resident looked the visitor up and down before stuttering, "I would. I really would. I just... Unfortunately, I don't have any money."

The woman giggled as she pushed her way into the apartment. "That's okay. I don't have any cookies."

After a few solid rounds of adult activities in the apartment, the two women lay spent on the floor of the apartment. The "scout" traced patterns on the woman's chest. "Alex. I need a key." She then got up to put on her clothes.

A panicked look crossed Alex's face. "Wow. Wow. That..." she stammered. "What?"

The woman was pulling on her shoes as she spoke. Alex pushed herself up on her elbows but still laying on the floor where their sexual escapades had occurred.

"No! I want a key. Like an actual key to your apartment," the woman demanded, "so I don't have to wait outside when I'm dressed in these little slutty outfits." At that comment, Alex grinned a Cheshire Cat grin. The woman continued. "I don't want to live with you. No offense. And you know I mean this in the nicest possible way. You're not exactly serious girlfriend/marriage material."

Alex rolled to one side and pulled a blanket off the couch to cover her torso. "And I pride myself on that." She found a partially full beer bottle beside the couch and took a long swig.

The woman finished getting dressed and headed to the door. "I gotta go. I'll see you next week." She waved over her shoulder as she headed out. "What're we doing? Mother of the baby saved from the fire and the sexy, shirtless fire fighter?"

* * *

Piper walked into the doors of the New York Stock Exchange and swiped her way through the security turnstile. At the coat closet, she exchanged her outerwear for a maroon traders jacket and made her way to the trading floor.

An Asian woman looked up at her, acknowledging her. "Chapman."

Piper nodded back and glared. "Soso."

Then the opening bell of the New York Stock Exchange rang to a flurry of furious trading.

* * *

Alex and several men were crowded around a television on the shop floor, watching a basketball game and cheering. "Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! Here we go! Yeah!" Money exchanged hands from all the bets that had been made. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a round woman with a full head of dyed red hair forcefully walking in her direction. The crowd of men scattered, leaving Alex spinning to turn off the game.

Alex frantically turned like she was directing the men's work. "That's looking good!" She checked a piece of wood for straightness. "All right! That's good form right there. Let's keep that up, huh?" Running her hands across the finish of another piece, she exclaimed, "that's a beautiful veneer. Just throw that on the edge-band and we're set." She was calling out nonsensical instructions which did nothing but to make her look even more guilty of being caught not working. Again.

"Hey, Alex?" Alex turned, trying to look shocked at seeing Red there. "You're fired!"

Ignoring the words, Alex turned to the man standing next to her working on a table saw. "What? I can't hear you over the saw. We're in the zone over here. I don't want to lose focus." She waved her hand around. "That's how people lose fingers, huh?"

Red repeated herself. "You're fired."

Still ignoring the words, Alex shouted motivation to the men. "All right. We are fired up, boys!"

Finally, Red yelled. "You are fired!" All the commotion on the shop floor faded away.

Still grinning, Alex pulled a quarter out of her pocket. "Funny, funny. All right. I have an idea. I'll flip you for it. You win, I'm out. I win. I get a second chance."

Red put her hands on her hips and scowled. "It's not a second chance when you've had a hundred of them."

Alex bounced on the balls of her feet. "Best of five?" She questioned.

Red relented and grabbed the quarter from Alex.

After a few flips, Alex was smirking. "Oh! Two-one! Keeping my job! Yeah! Okay. All right."

Red calmly spoke. "Do you know what? You're supposed to be the future boss, my adopted daughter. But you're too busy being the life of the party. At some point, you're gonna have to grow up." Red flipped again. "Two-two. Getting closer to unemployment!"

"Okay, old lady. You want to play? The boss got game, the boss got game. This is it. Drumroll boys."

She flipped one last time. When the coin landed as Red had called it, Alex looked as though she had been slapped. She looked disgusted. "You know what? This is ridiculous. Flipping for a job." Alex threw the quarter down in disgust and turned to walk away.

"You know what? That's your problem." Red quickly retorted. "You can't handle the pressure. As soon

as you think you're going to lose, you quit. Game over, Alex. Don't get me wrong. You're like family to me."

"Red, I am your niece. We ARE family." Alex's voice showed her disgust.

"Yeah, and it's time to cut the cord. Let's go clean out your desk."

* * *

Piper ran to the apartment door to demonstrate for her friends gathered in hers and Larry's apartment what she wanted done. "Okay everyone, listen!" She motioned to the door. "I'm going to bring him in," then she moved to the light switch. "I'm gonna turn on the lights, and that's when you yell, "Surprise!"

"Oh, that's how a surprise party works! I'm totally gonna write that down." Piper's friend, Polly, could barely hide her sarcastic comments. "Can we drink yet?"

Upon hearing the elevator ding, Piper whispered, "Okay. Everyone, hide! Hide, hide, hide!" She went out to meet Larry as the friends scattered to the left and right of the open apartment door.

"Hi, sweetie!" Piper gave Larry a cheeky kiss.

"Hey." Larry barely looked at her while he thumbed through his mail.

"Welcome home. Happy birthday. Okay, come inside..." She tugged on Larry's elbow trying to guide him to the waiting friends.

Larry stopped just short of the door. "Listen, Piper. We need to talk."

"Okay. Well, let's do it inside. Okay?" Piper was excited for him to see his friends who had come to celebrate his birthday.

"No, no, no. I can't, or I'll never do this." Larry was frustrated. "Look, there's no easy way to say this."

Piper was cheery and bent on the one thing she needed to get accomplished – her fiancé through the door to start the party. "Okay, then don't. Okay? Just think it, and then later, I'll try to figure out what it was you were thinking." Piper's high-pitched voice was grating on Larry's nerves. "Okay? Let's just go inside." She grabbed his hand to pull him through the open door to the guests who were waiting in the dark apartment.

"No, no, no, no, no, no!" Larry pulled back. "This can't wait, Piper. You know I have a really, really, REALLY important job. And when I come home, I want this place to be an escape. But as of late, it's not. Yes, the sex is great, okay?" Polly was crouched on the opposite side of the couch. Her eyes grew wide at this admission. Larry seemed so straight-laced.

"I mean, that's fantastic, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the things you've been trying. But the rest is so exhausting. You're so on all the time," Larry snapped his fingers for emphasis, "with all the scheduling and planning, it's just..." Larry took a deep breath before continuing. "I don't want to marry you, Piper." A quiet collective gasp came from the guests waiting in the apartment as they listened to this admission.

Larry went on. "I'm leaving you. Well, I mean, this is my place, so technically, you would be the one that has to leave, but..." Piper stood there, eyes starting to well up. Larry looked at her. "Are you crying?" He reached around and flipped on the light to get a better look at Piper's face.

His friends started to mill about the apartment, some uttering an unenthusiastic "Surprise…"

Larry saw the decorated apartment and his friends. "Oh, shitballs." He reached down to grab Piper's hand, but she jerked it away and stomped off.

* * *

Alex sat in a bar across from a wild haired woman. They both slammed down their empty beer glasses and Alex ordered another round as the other woman belched.

"Yeah, what you said. Hey! Here..." Alex slid a fresh beer to her friend. "Do you have any idea how much money I've made her Nicky? You're my lawyer. Can I sue her for something?"

"Well, the problem with suing your aunt is that … she's your aunt."

Alex waved her off. "She'd probably love it, me giving an effort at something. You don't know." Alex groaned, "what am I gonna do about money?"

Nicky raised her eyebrows and laughed. "Wow. You're just realizing that right now? Fascinating."

"I could do a lot of things for money. I'm good at stuff. Like… I'll bet you $5 I can finish this beer faster than you." Alex plastered her trademark 'I'm drunk' grin on her face.

"Really? You're on." Nicky grabbed her beer and turned it bottoms up.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the same bar, Piper and Polly were commiserating over Larry dumping Piper. "He doesn't even deserve me. Okay, looky! I can be spontaneous. I can." Piper pulls out some airline tickets with a bow stuck on top from her purse and waves them in front of her friend's face. "These are a gift for Larry."

"What's that?" Polly plucks them from her hand and looks at the destination. "Vegas? I thought you hated Vegas Piper."

"I do, but, you know, that's why they call it a gift Pol, because it truly is selfless." Piper took another sip of her margarita.

"Here's my thought on what we should do with this whole Larry thing." Polly was conniving since she never really liked Larry all that much in the first place. Now that he had hurt her friend, she despised him even more.

"Okay. Once a week, we get some of my brother's loser-ass friends to go over to Larry's house,

ring his doorbell, and leaving a burning bag of dog shit on his doorstep. When he answers it, of course he's going to stomp out the fire and get poo all over his shoes."

"Then he's going to start screaming, 'Why?'" Polly had her fists clenched with an exasperated look on her face. My brother's friends will jump out from around the corner and shout, "you know why! Then I'll kick him in the balls and run off."

Piper finished off her margarita and looked at her friend questioningly. "Wow! Did you just think of that?"

"No, I was thinking about it a lot on the way over." Polly nonchalantly said. She pointed at her friend's hand. "Piper, you're gonna need to take off this ring."

Piper looked at the huge rock wistfully and twisted it off her hand. "No, I... I'm just... I'm just gonna... I'm just going to wear it on the other hand." She slid the engagement ring to her right hand.

* * *

Nicky slammed down her empty beer glass. Pointing at Alex's whose was still half full, she shouted teasingly. "You are a child! What is that? What is that?"

Alex grinned, motioning for another round, and said. "Double or nothing."

After getting beat a second time, Alex started howling. "You're on fire. Kid, you are on fire.

This is like... I mean, you're lucky."

Nicky put her head down on the bar feeling nauseated after chugging the two beers. "I don't feel so good."

Alex was super excited. "We need to capitalize on this. You are on a roll. You know what's gonna make you feel better? Where's the **one** place where you can step up?"

"Uhhhh, community college?"

Across the bar, Polly picks up the tickets and waves them in Piper's face. "Where can you go where you can forget all your troubles and act like a total idiot? I am talking about one place and one place only, my friend."

Piper groans. "Do not say Vegas."

Nicky leans forward towards Alex. "Please say Vegas."

Alex begins to howl, "Vegas, baby."

Polly hops off her barstool and begins to shimmy. "Vegas… Las Vegas!"

Soon the whole bar is chanting, "Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!"


	2. Putting the Sin in Sin City

**_To reiterate from the summary_ _: [Follows the structure and script of the movie with the same name.]_**

* * *

Nicky and Alex walked into the lobby of their hotel and are looking around at the glitz and glamour only found in Las Vegas. Nicky spied two women playing slots by the entrance. Seemingly they had just dropped their bags and started pumping quarters into the first machine they saw. Nicky waggled her eyebrows and motioned her head towards the other pair.

Alex gave the others a quick glance. "Not interested Nic. You know my rule about straight women." The blonde was smoking hot to say the least, but off limits still the same.

"Who says they are straight?" Nicky scoffed. "Besides this is Vegas. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Isn't that their tag line? Come on, please?" Nicky's pleading was relentless.

After taking a longer look, particularly at the blonde, Alex shook her head. "One is wearing a ring. Yeah it's on the wrong hand, but with a rock that size, there has to be a man in the picture." She turned to look at her friend only to realize that Nicky was approaching the bank of slot machines.

Her friend settled on the stool closest to the brunette, inserted some cash and started hitting buttons. Alex picked up her friend's bag that she carelessly left behind and settled at a nearby set of machines, feet propped on the suitcases to keep them safe from bag snatchers. She, too, dropped some money into the machine and played slowly through her cash to stave off the boredom.

Not much time had passed before Nicky waved down a cocktail waitress. "Drinks for myself and the ladies. I'll take a scotch and soda. Ladies, order what you want; it's on me." Nicky motioned to the pair playing on the one-armed bandits on her bank.

The brunette turned her stool slowly towards Nicky. "Drinks are free when you gamble dumbshit."

The expression on Nicky's face was exaggerated shock as she pretended this was news to her. "Hey! All the better for me." Nicky turned back to the waitress. "Make mine a double." She tossed enough tip on the tray for multiple drinks.

Polly looked over to Piper and rolled her eyes. She waved off the cocktail waitress stating they wouldn't be there for long. They got up and began to gather their bags to leave. Nicky stood and tried to block their way. She put out her hand. "Hi! I'm Nicky. And that over there," she motioned to Alex, "is my friend Alex."

Not wanting to be rude, Piper quickly shook her hand. "Piper." She motioned to her friend. "Polly. Now if you excuse us, we are going to get checked in. Enjoy your stay." The two women grabbed their bags and marched to the check-in area.

Alex watched Piper walk off, appreciating the blonde's assets, her stare interrupted by a sharp whistle. "Vause. Vause! Get your butt over here." Rolling her eyes, Alex stood and dragged their bags the short distance to where Nicky was playing. "Yo! I ordered a drink. Why don't you go check them out? I mean check us in?"

"If you waggle those eyes at me one more time, I'm going to slap that leer right off your face."

* * *

The front desk clerk was explaining to Piper that due to housekeeping being short-staffed, their room was not yet ready. "I'll go ahead and check you in. Leave your bags with the bellman and we will have them delivered to your room to make up for the inconvenience." The friends seemed to accept this explanation and did as told.

Although she wasn't exactly trying to eavesdrop, Alex had heard what the clerk had explained and said as much when it was her turn at the desk. She wasn't exactly pleased with the news since she and Nicky had taken an early flight. She was tired and wanted to shower before getting started on all of the things Sin City had to offer. Alas there was nothing that she could do so she followed suit and went to the bags with the bell desk.

After securing her bag tags, Piper turned quickly to walk away. She immediately slammed into a tall, fine specimen of a woman. "Ouch. Oh, I'm so sorry." She looked up and got caught in the emerald eyes that were gazing down at her. The woman had an amused look on her face.

"No, I apologize. I was standing too closely. Are you okay?"

The woman was slightly taller than her with jet black hair that fell over her shoulders, curling slightly on the ends. She was striking enough to catch Piper off guard. When she realized she was staring, Piper shook off the shock. "Umm yeah." Slight recognition crossed her face. "Alex right?" One of Alex's eyebrows arched upwards in curiosity. Piper chuckled. "This is my friend Polly. Your friend, Vicky I believe, pointed you out to us."

"Nicky."

"Oh, okay. Well anyway. Sorry again. Have a great day and good luck gambling."

Alex nodded and simply said, "the same." She then went about the business of turning in her bags and went back to find Nicky.

* * *

Nicky was gone from the bank of machines at which Alex had left her. After unsuccessfully searching for her wild-haired friend, she finally called her. "Where the hell are you Nic?" Alex paused, listening. "Look Nic, casinos are laid out in order to get you lost. Of course you don't know where you are. Come back to check-in." Pause. "Why not? … You are doing WHAT?... Oh my gawd Nic, leave them alone. You are such a creeper. Come to check-in. NOW." Alex disconnected the call and waited for her friend. She shook her head thinking about Nicky having stalked Piper and Polly around the casino.

In short time, Nicky found her way back to a waiting Alex. "Those two are hawt. I call dibs on the brunette. Hubba Hubba."

"You are such a douche." Alex explained the situation with their room. "Let's grab a bite to eat. I'm starving, and this time change is going to be the death of me."

They made their way to one of the casino restaurants and were pleased when they found there was no wait time to be seated. Alex was exasperated when she saw Nicky pulling the chair out for Polly. Polly glanced behind her to thank who she thought was the server who had helped her. "Oh GOD. Why are you following us Mufasa?"

Piper pushed her chair from the table and came roaring over to Alex. "Your _friend_ needs to leave us alone." Her icy voice had lost all pleasantness and warmth of earlier." She grabbed her purse and Polly's hand. "Come on Pol, let's get away from here. Surely this place is large enough to lose our stalker." Piper glared at Nicky before stomping off.

Watching them leave, Nicky chuckled. "Wasn't that fun?"

"Incredibly," Alex replied dryly.

* * *

After enjoying their meal, Alex returned to check-in and retrieved the room keys. She was assured that their bags were waiting in their room. A quick elevator ride up to the correct floor brought them to their room. Nicky commandeered the key cards and opened the door. "Ahhhh yes. Now for more booze. Crack open the mini-bar. Scotch and soda." While Alex was making drinks, Nicky entered the bedroom. " _This_ is where I'm passing out." She ripped off her jeans. "Pants, you're out of here."

Ready for the shower she had been longing for all day, Alex went to grab her bag only to find two suitcases, one pink and the other purple with sparkles in the closet. "What the fuck? Nicky?" She grabbed the pink suitcase and plopped it on the bag. Gingerly she zipped it open.

"Wooooooooooo. What do we have here?" Nicky reached around her tall friend and snatched some lingerie from the case. "Going fancy on me Stretch?"

Grabbing the elegant undergarments from Nicky, Alex stuffed them back into the bag and zipped it up. "Come on. The front desk delivered the wrong bags. And for Christ's sake, put on your pants!" She dragged Nicky downstairs with her to the front desk to have the situation corrected. As she rounded the corner, what she saw stopped her in her tracks.

Their bags were sitting on the floor next to two women, a very familiar blonde and brunette. Alex took her first look at the tags on the luggage she had. _Piper Chapman_ and _Polly Harper._ "Oh fuck," she groaned.

Nicky began to giggle. "Doesn't look good Stretch. I smell an upgrade."

Trying to be as unnoticeable as possible, Alex went to stand in line behind the other women. Again, not meaning to eavesdrop, she couldn't help but to hear the conversation. Piper was fired up.

Piper glanced at the clerk's name tag. "Mr. Sam Healy, you and I, we both have a problem. I think we both know how this game works. I complain, and you tell me there's nothing you can do, but we both know that's a big, fat lie."

"So why don't you just save us both the trouble and type in those special codes that you know you're going to type in eventually and find me two rooms that are so nice that it turns my day right back around?" She gave Sam her best evil stink eye.

Nicky was using two mini-bottles of vodka from the bar in the room as goggles and peering around the lobby and overall expressing ultimate child-like behaviors. Alex nudged her friend and whispered. "She's awfully hostile for a girl that looks that hot. Or does she look that hot because she's so aggressive?"

Sam's hands were shaking as he typed on the computer in front of him. "Errrr I'm going to do exactly what you're telling me to do, because frankly, I'm a little frightened of you." He handed her a new set of key cards and spoke nervously. "These are penthouse suites. You can't get any higher than that without going on the roof, and you're not allowed on the roof, because people jump."

"And our bags?"

"We'll find them immediately." His voice was shaking. Then Alex cleared her throat.

Polly spun around and saw Nicky jacking around with the miniature liquor bottles. "Damn, don't you ever give up? We are NOT interested." Piper turned to see who Polly was yelling at and spied her suitcase.

"Our bags! What the hell? She turned her wrath towards Alex who calmly held up her hand. "You and your creeper friend better have not touched our clothes." Piper was spitting angry.

Nicky leered at her. "I'm wearing your underwear," she cackled and got her face slapped as a reward.

"Fuck Piper. Chill, you have your bags. Please step aside." Alex stepped up to the counter. "Now watch and learn." After watching the interaction amongst the women, Sam was watching them warily.

"Hey, Mr. Healy, buddy." Alex leaned over the desk putting her face extremely close to the clerk's. "I think you just met my friend back there. Kind of a scary person. I want to apologize for her." Alex dropped her arms where she was leaning on the counter. "Look, I don't want to push here, but firstly I want the same type of room as you gave her. Secondly, I know that a man in your position is capable of producing certain … amenities. And we don't want my friend to come back up here, do we? So why don't you do your magic again and sweeten the pot?"

After a few minutes of negotiating, Alex returned to the group who had stepped slightly away. As she got to Piper, she brought out her hands from behind her back and fanned out a handful of show tickets and VIP passes. "Check it out – oh yeah! And **that** is how it's done."

Nicky twisted open both vodka mini-bottles and drained them simultaneously as she danced around. "Party!" She howled.

* * *

After Polly and Piper got dressed in evening clothing, for glitz, and Nicky and Alex donned fresh jeans and shirts, for comfort, the four women were soon loaded up into the shared stretch Hummer the hotel had provided as a part of the compensation for their colossal screw up. (Of course, the error wasn't too awful except whose bags had been switched. Both Piper and Polly scoured the suitcases for possible missing articles of clothing, not putting anything past Nicky.) The women were cruising the strip, each pair to their own destinations. Nicky was standing on one of the seats with her head out the moon roof yelling at the top of her lungs. "Planet Hollywood. Yeah. VIP!"

Alex slid over the long seat and plopped down next to Piper, and hand, handing her a fresh drink. "Hey. so, is that a New York accent I detect? We're from New York." Piper did her best to ignore the extremely hot woman sitting next to her. Piper had made her mind up that since Alex's friend was so obnoxious, she would be measured by the same yardstick. Nicky plopped down towards the front of the limo, her hair even more crazy from the wind blowing outside while Polly was as far in the back from the wild haired woman as she could get.

Leaning forward to speak to the driver, Piper announced, "We're going to Le Cirque, please!"

Nicky silently pleaded Alex with her eyes as she mouthed, "Come on."

Turning on the Vause charm, Alex gave her attention back to Piper. "Look, the mess up at the hotel wasn't our fault. And my buddy here, I had a long talk with her. She's agreed to chill. So why don't you say that the four of us bury the hatchet and have a good time."

A sullen Polly piped up from the back. "Your buddy wouldn't know a good time if it sat on her face."

This infuriated Nicky. "Okay, you know what, MOLLY? You are kind of a disgusting skank. I'm not sure if I like you anymore."

To avoid the fight she knew was coming, Piper hollered to the front. "Driver, can you pull over? We'll just get out here! Thank you!"

A sarcastic Nicky called after the women as they crawled out of the limo. "Okay, bye! Thank you!"

As Piper and Polly walked in front of the dancing fountains of the Bellagio, Alex stuck her head out of the top of the vehicle. "Oh, come on. One drink. I promise, I'm a pretty fun gal. You can ask around."

Piper shook her head. "Thanks, but we have dinner reservations. And we have to map out our assault

on the strip."

Perplexed Alex questioned Piper. "You have a plan to make plans?" She chuckled at this revelation.

This really irked Piper as she and Polly both froze in their tracks. "Excuse me?" Piper's voice was again dripping with ice as she turned around and marched back towards the limo.

Alex kept goading. "Damn, you turn ice princess so quickly. Sexy, but a tad bit uptight. I bet you are a lot of fun when you let loose. Let's party."

Piper walked back towards the limo. "Not on your life."

"One drink!" Alex pleaded. "I dare you!"

* * *

Nicky was at a table surrounded by several scantily clad women with Polly sitting across from her. "Did I mention I'm a lawyer? Passed the bar exam and everything." Nicky was bragging to the women huddled around. Polly rolled her eyes as she sipped on her drink.

Alex and Piper were sitting alone with their drinks at the next table. Alex had a whiskey straight up as Piper nursed a margarita on the rocks. "So, Piper, what brings you to Sin City?"

The blonde flipped her hair, "You know, just being spontaneous, cutting loose, like everyone else. How about yourself?"

Alex puffed up her chest. "Uhhh me? Oh, I'm here for work, yeah work. I'm... I'm a pretty important at my company."

Piper leaned forward. "Really?"

Alex scoffed before admitting the truth. "No. Actually, I just got fired. So, cheers to that." Alex raised her glass.

Piper chimed in. "I just got dumped, so, salud." She raised her glass and they both took a drink.

In her all-competitive nature, Alex tried to top Piper's situation. "Did I mention that I got fired by my boss-slash-aunt?"

Chuckling, Piper decided to expand on her own situation. "Did I mention that I threw a surprise birthday party for my fiancé and the only surprise was that he dumped me in front of all of our closest friends while they hid in the apartment?"

Alex laughed. "Wow. Okay, I can't beat that. Total suckage!" She waved at a waitress walking by. "Excuse me. Another round please?" Alex smirked because the ice princess seemed to be thawing into the kinder woman who she had bumped into at the bell desk.

Nicky had the group of women tittering. "And I saved a baby today." She was trying to be nonchalant. "I'm not a hero, though. You know what I mean?"

Polly glared at the women. "Don't let her fool you. She just wants in your pants. She's married… to a man."

Nicky chuckled nervously as she motioned to Polly. "I'm going to throttle you," she whispered to the brunette. She then addressed the women again. "Don't mind her ladies. This is my felon sister who just got out of prison. Tell them about your time in orange sis." Polly grabbed her purse and stomped off.

* * *

Alex and Piper stood at the craps table. The taller woman pushed her glasses on top of her head. "What do you say we bet 10-to-1, with $125 on the hard eight?"

"Get your bets down, get 'em down." The croupier chanted as he pushed the dice down to the end of the table.

Piper gathered the dice, blew on them for luck and handed them to Alex. "All right. Roll them out."

"No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't..." Alex frowned as she pushed the dice back towards Piper. "I wouldn't bet on me winning."

With her hands resting on Piper's hips, she positioned the blonde in front of the table. "You roll, blondie. All right. Go, 44! 44!"

Caught off guard by the hands on her sides, Piper gulped then brushed off the tingling in her stomach. She gathered the dice between her palms, blew on them again and tossed them down the table. The crowd around the table roared as Piper rolled a double four. Not taking any more chances, Piper scooped up the chips and dropped them into her purse.

* * *

After casino hopping a bit, the four women found another place to rest their feet a bit. Piper kicked off her heels and sighed in relief. Swinging her feet from the stool in which she was sitting, she asked, "Hey want to see something cool?" Alex leaned forward, nodding. Piper turned to Nicky and said, "Got any cash?"

A very drunk Nicky emptied her pockets of some change and crumpled bills. Piper eyed her then reached into Nicky's front pocket where she kept her larger bills and plucked a crisp, newer $20 bill. "Hey, I was saving that."

"I know one party trick. Here it goes." Piper folded the bill into near thirds lengthwise making sure that Hamilton's face was showing on the other side. She flipped and folded and flipped and folded until the note was transformed into a cute little fly-ass short-sleeved shirt with a collar and Hamilton's face on the front. Nicky's mouth dropped open while Polly was cooing at the cuteness of the miniature shirt. Piper grinned. "But that's not even the best part about this trick." She showed Nicky the shirt then put it in her pocket, turned, and walked away.

When Alex burst out laughing, Nicky finally realized that she had been conned out of $20. She grabbed her beer and rushed to catch up with Piper. The women spent the entire evening racing around Vegas from location to location, drinking their way through the casinos, yelling from the roof of the limo as it raced up and down the Strip, flying down zip-lines on Fremont Street downtown.

As the night went on, the women got progressively more intoxicated. "… like you are trying to come in first, but it's someone else's race…" Alex stirred her drink with Piper nodding her agreement to Alex's statement. Piper put her face close to Alex's. Despite the level of intoxication, the serious conversation continued.

"You never felt good enough…" she announced to Alex as she shoved her finger into the dark-haired beauty's chest.

"…so, you took yourself out of the game." Alex completed her sentence. Piper rolled her eyes. Alex fell back in her chair. "I think I just got to the point where I wasn't even trying. I guess my aunt is right. I'm nothing but a slacker."

"Why should you try? I try. I work upwards of eighty hours a week, and I don't even know why anymore." Piper finished another drink. "I certainly don't seem to be advancing."

Alex looked at Piper sheepishly. "I'm not usually this honest."

Piper replied and "I'm usually not this fun, but this is nice. We can really talk, connect. It's been a long time since Larry and I were like that."

"Yeah, 'cause you're like the last person on the planet I'd ever sleep with! Ever!" Alex downed the last of the drink in her hand. She couldn't believe she was saying this to the hottest woman she had laid eyes on in quite some time. Of course she'd fuck her. Who was she trying to fool?

"Ever!" Piper chimed in. She gulped as she was finding herself increasingly attracted to the dark-haired enigma.

With that, Alex smashed her lips into Piper's, taking over. Piper wrapped her hands in Alex's shirt and shoved her against the bar. Alex grumbled, "Ever!"

The woman made short work of the statement that they would not sleep together. Ever. As they were wrapped around each other, kissing and groping and feeling, each insisting how they would never ever sleep together, they ended up in the hotel elevator and ended up in one of the penthouse beds.

The rest of the night was spent with a tangle of clothes and naked limbs.

* * *

 **A/N: In case you missed it: _[Follows the structure and script of the movie with the same name.]_**


	3. Married?

_**To reiterate from the summary: [Follows the structure and script of the movie with the same name.]**_

* * *

Piper woke up with a screaming hangover and a pounding in her head that was driving her insane. When she finally convinced her eyes that they wanted to open to see the real world, the first thing she saw was a red heart tattoo on her hand on the webbing between her forefinger and thumb. Inside the heart was tattoo "4 Alex." Forgetting the pain in her head and nausea in her stomach, Piper bolted up in the bed. "Oh, God. Please be fake. Please be fake." She licked her hand and began to rub the tattoo. When the ink began to smear, she let out a sigh of relief.

As she thankfully massaged her aching forehead, her eyes landed on a gaudy brass ring on the third finger on the left hand. Her eyes were glued to the ring which was a typical pair of "Lucky 7" dice that could be obtained from just about any vending machine in Vegas. Piper began to freak out, hyperventilating. Then a note caught her eye. It was written on the mirror in lipstick. "Hey wifey – we're at the buffet – Alex" Red lipstick kiss marks were next to the message.

She screamed. "Oh, God. NO!" As she leapt out of bed, a folder went flying off the bedside table and one important looking document fluttered out and landed on top. "Certificate of Marriage, Las Vegas, Nevada…" Piper's eyes scanned down until she saw "Alex Vause Resident of New York" and "Piper Chapman Resident of New York". "FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck.

* * *

Meanwhile, downstairs, Alex was beating her head against the table. "Oh, please, please, no!" Her orange juice and coffee were sloshing in their vessels. "What the hell did I do last night Nicky? I abhor commitment. You know this. I never thought I'd say this Nicky – I need a divorce." Alex announced to her hungover pal.

Nicky was half-ass rubbing Alex's shoulder trying to calm her down. "Naw - you don't want a divorce, all right? You want an annulment. Just wipe it off the record. Poof, it never happened." Nicky made an 'explosion' motion with her hands.

"So how do I do that? Can I do it today?"

"Nope. As much as you may want, you can't You gotta do it where you live." Alex glared at this statement. As Alex's lawyer and best friend, Nicky felt it necessary to continue her best friend's education as a means of teasing her about the marriage she had drunkenly entered into the previous evening. "See, what happens in Vegas, doesn't always stay in Vegas. You pay for it when you get back home. Just think on the bright side Stretch. At least you didn't get her pregnant." Nicky chortled at her own joke which earned her a punch on the shoulder from her tall, lanky friend.

Back upstairs, Piper had pulled Polly out of bed and was holding her against the wall by her pajama top, screaming at the top of her lungs. "Was there any part of the night, I don't know, maybe, say, the part where I was about to marry the rebound chick, that you thought, 'Hey, oh my God! This is a really good time for an intervention'?"

"Seriously?" Polly's voice was incredulous. Piper nodded. "Yeah. I, like, threw up in my own purse, so..."

"Pol?! How did I get into this? I don't even like women, do I?" Piper didn't seem to certain of herself.

"Could have fooled all of us last night…" Polly grumpily broke Piper's grip on her sleep clothes and retreated to the shower.

* * *

Seeing the other pair of women walking towards their breakfast table. Nicky shoulder-bumped Alex who then sloshed coffee all over her shirt. "Fuck Nichols. Seriously?" She grabbed a napkin from the table and began trying to absorb the hot liquid that was scalding her skin through her clothing. A loud groan escaped as she realized that Piper and Polly were sitting down. Vaguely remembering how the previous night had ended, Alex wiped the frown off her face and tried to be at least somewhat cheerful.

"Morning." She nodded to both women as Piper acknowledged her back.

Polly just glared at Nicky and sat as far away as possible in the only empty chair remaining at the table. Her arms were crossed, completely closing herself off to communication, but of course that didn't stop Nicky from trying. "Hey sexy, gorgeous, ex-felon pal." This only received an eyeroll from Polly who then stomped off to fill her plate at the buffet.

Motioning to the carafe on the table, Piper asked, "Coffee?"

"Mmm," Alex mumbled through the toast she had just shoved in her mouth. She passed the carafe over to Piper as she swallowed her bite. "Well, what's mine is yours, right? Mi coffee es su coffee." With that Piper snagged Alex's juice glass and drained it in one long drink. "Literally, I supposed." Alex stared at the blonde then just went back to her eating.

"Just because I _married_ you doesn't mean I like you." The blonde ice princess was back.

Shaking her head, Alex came back with a quick retort. "That's okay. Apparently, I do an excellent pity fuck." She struggled to keep the smirk off her face as Piper stammered, blushed, and finally gave up on trying to respond. Piper and Polly got up to get some food from the buffet. The group continued eating in relative isolation. Piper only spoke to Polly and Alex only addressed Nicky. The married couple did their best to avoid even as much as eye contact.

"Alex?" Piper tossed her napkin atop her empty plate and addressed the woman who was trying so hard to ignore her. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Being that Piper was now staring at her while she ate, Alex couldn't ignore her much longer. She stood and followed Piper over to the slot machines. "Yes. Yeah. Talk. Sure. What's up?"

Polly pointed at the couple as they chatted next to the slots. "They're so cute together!"

"If I could make someone dead with my mind, it would be you." Nicky glared at Polly who had now become a little too chipper after a long night of alcohol, perhaps out of spite when she realized how hungover Nicky was. Nicky shoved a partially eaten waffle in her mouth, making a show of chewing it up with her mouth open in an effort to piss Polly off enough to cause her to leave.

Piper was pumping quarters into a slot machine when Alex caught up to her. Alex spoke again. "Awesome time last night, huh?" Alex was choosing her words with care, trying to take some chill off of the situation. Piper nodded. "I mean, you are a lot of fun, Piper."

This admission caught Piper off guard a bit. "I am? Normally I get told I'm predictable and draining and not spontaneous."

Alex nodded. "You aren't any of those. You really are a lot of fun. That... I mean, last night was terrific. I enjoyed talking to you and getting to know you." Alex stopped and contemplated her next words. "Actually, you know, there was like... maybe there was one tiny little thing..." Alex held her finger and thumb up closely together indicating a small object.

"I think I know what you mean." Piper gave a nervous giggle as she twisted the brass ring she still wore on her ring finger some unknown reason.

Alex was at a loss for words. "Okay, this... There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to..." She was motioning around nervously with her hands.

She was interrupted by a righteous Piper. "Hold on a minute. Stop. Are... Are you dumping me? No! I came over her to break up with you!"

Alex looked relieved. "Oh! Jeez. Okay, so we're good? Whew, I don't do commitment."

"Great, we are golden!" Piper nodded her head.

"Okay, disaster averted!" Alex was on a roll.

Piper turned back to the slot machine. "You said it!"

"Yeah, no. Bullet dodged!" Now Alex was almost giddy.

"You betcha!" Piper was getting annoyed at the obnoxious person Alex was becoming.

Alex wiped the mock sweat from her brow. "I mean, pooch unscrewed! Free at last! Thank God almighty, I'm free."

A scowl crossed Piper's face as she was fighting off a pouty face. "Okay. I got it, okay? Got it."

Sensing she might have hurt the blonde's feelings, Alex began to backpedal. "I'm sorry. I... You just seem like the type of girl who's looking for a serious relationship, and you seem like a lot of work. Like it would take, like, a whole team of people to keep you happy. Besides marriages are an outdated concept..."

Piper crossed her arms again with a scowl on her face. "Whatever. You don't have to justify yourself. Do you honestly think I want to be hitched to someone like you? You don't have a job and don't seem to be going anywhere really. Aimless wanderer."

Alex ducked her head and mumbled. "I'm in a really weird place right now..."

"And just where's that, Alex? Huh? I mean we had a lot of fun last night. Yeah things didn't end up exactly as I expected, but we had a good time. But – hey – let's just get divorced and go our separate ways. Quit while you are ahead."

This seemed to hit Alex in the wrong place. "Wow, okay. I see how it is. You get dumped by your fiancé and can't handle getting dumped by me, too. Understood."

Piper had raised her voice by now and was shouting at Alex. "You act like you are any better, considering you can't even keep a job with your own aunt!"

A flustered Alex struck back. "Ouch. That's alright. YOU had to come all the way to Vegas and marry a complete stranger – a WOMAN even - just to prove that you're not a robot. Congratulations, Piper!"

"You make me sick Alex." Piper acted like she was sticking her finger down her throat while Alex just stood there with her arms crossed rolling her eyes. "You know, again… THIS is why we'd never work." Piper was disgusted.

Alex interrupted her. "'Cause I could never, ever be with someone that's so completely broken! I'll call you about the annulment."

"Fine. Here." Piper pulled her card out of her purse and shoved it into Alex's chest, knocking her backwards. Piper had one last quarter in her hand, but Alex plucked it away before Piper could drop it into the machine. "Hey!" She protested. "That's my quarter! What the..." Before she could say or do anything else, Alex had dropped the quarter and pulled the handle.

"We may not have each other, but we'll always have Vegas!" Alex shouted as she walked off.

The slot machine's wheels lined up with triple diamond jackpot bars. Alex froze as lights started flashing and sirens went off. The progressive display showed three million dollars and casino attendants and gamblers alike flooded the area. When she realized what had happened, Alex ran back and wrapped her arms around the machine before jumping up and down, shouting at the top of her lungs. "I'm really, really rich! I'm really, really rich!"

Piper began to jump to try to hug the machine over Alex. "But that was MY quarter," she protested.

Nicky took a flying leap and tackled Alex as the pair tumbled to the floor. Both friends ignored Piper who was still whining. "Oh, my God! That was my quarter! My quarter on the machine that I was using, That's not your money."

"Yeah but I pulled the handle." Alex turned to the casino attendant and started filling out paperwork. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start spending my money." Alex walked with the employee off towards the cashier area.

Piper called after Alex – loudly. "Whatever happened to 'What's mine is yours' Alex? We're married now, remember?" Alex stopped in her tracks and looked back at the blonde who simply held up her hand allowing the gaudy brass dice to shine in the casino lights.

* * *

Nicky was dressed her fancy court clothes and was addressing the judge. "More importantly, Your Honor, my client only knew Miss Chapman for four hours before they "got married." Nicky made a mock quotation with her fingers. "Three and a half of which were spent in a state of total inebriation."

"Totally wasted," Alex mouthed towards Piper. "Drunk, smashed, tanked, sloshed, three sheets to the wind."

"Mmm-hmm." The judge flipped through some papers in front of him and looked at Piper. "The other party has submitted quite the stack of evidence that says that this marriage was more than a drunken mistake. In fact, her evidence goes to show that there was indeed an intended commitment made by your client, and this wasn't just a sham marriage."

Piper stood and presented her information to Nicky as she explained each item to the judge. Exhibit 1 was a barely legible, crudely written note where Alex had pledged eternity to the blonde, signed by Alex and witnessed by none other than her friend (and lawyer). Alex smirked.

"May I present Exhibit 2, the photo." Piper pulled out a blown-up picture of Alex kneeling on one knee beside the ring vending machine proposing to her. Alex's smirk shrank a wee bit.

"But the video seals the deal." Piper primly looked over at Alex. She pressed the remote which started Exhibit 3.

"I didn't know anything about that." Alex whispered to Nicky who was glaring at her.

A drunk Alex was standing at the end of the aisle in the wedding chapel before they walked out of the church where they had just gotten hitched. "And I am going to cherish her, I'm gonna love her, and I'm going to provide for her, cuz we're married!" Alex was slurring, but her words were deliberate as her arm was slung over the equally intoxicated blonde by her side. The video continued in the limo where Alex was shouting from the moon roof. "Married!"

The judge considered all the evidence laying before him. "Here's my dilemma. You two could have easily agreed to split this money, gotten your marriage annulled, and went on your happy separate ways. Nobody would have ever been the wiser. However, you decided to drag each other into court and waste my time with this nonsensical business. So here is how it's going to go."

After making a few notes in the paperwork, he began to talk again. "Marriage is about love and commitment. And since you decided to squander my time, I'm going to make your life a miserable, living hell."

Polly leaned over and whispered in Piper's ear. "This guy is such a douche."

The judge went on without missing a beat. "You two are going to spend the next six months making this marriage work. You will live together like the married couple that you are. I am mandating weekly marriage counseling sessions to ensure that you are actually making an effort to make this work. Then, and only then, we will come back and revisit this whole divorce issue after you've had sufficient time to think about your actions."

Nicky piped up. "Objection, Your Honor. You can't do that."

"Objection overruled! Watch me. Now, do either one of you have a place to live?" Knowing that she had to move out of Larry's place immediately, Piper shook her head. Turning to Alex, the judge asked. "What about you?"

Shifting her feet under the table, Alex quietly whispered, "Yes. It's small, but it's mine. One small issue – I recently lost my job."

The judge rolled his eyes, "Yet you are squandering your time here in Vegas. Ms. Chapman, what is your employment status?" After Piper explained her situation, the judge made his proclamation. "You will move in with your wife. She provides the home, and you ensure you two get to stay there." The judge boomed.

"Furthermore, I am freezing the $3 million for the next six months and sentencing you two to six months hard marriage which includes weekly marriage counseling sessions. If I get so much as a whiff that you aren't playing by the rules on this, your money will be tied up so long that neither of you will ever see or spend a penny of it. Got it?" Piper and Alex both nodded their heads gloomily.

"Oh, yeah! One more thing. I now pronounce you wife and wife!" The judge slammed down his gavel and left the courtroom.

Alex turned to her lawyer and best friend. "What the hell? Is that legal?"

"Yeah, he's the judge. He can do whatever he wants."

"You suck as a lawyer Nicky. I should have hired someone else."

"Hire? You didn't hire me, I did this as a favor. You don't have a job, remember?"

"Guess you get what you pay for," Alex grumbled.

Nicky finished putting her stuff in her bag. "Look just do what the man says. Piper moves in and helps with the bills. After six months, he'll be forced to grant you the divorce and you two will just split the money. Halfsies."

As they made their way outside, Alex's stomach was rolling with anxiety. She and Nicky came across Polly and Piper who were waiting for them on the courthouse steps.

"Okay Alex, we can do this," Piper chirped. "Think of it as a business arrangement. Be married for six months, get $1.5 million. How hard can it be?"

"How hard can it be... Seriously? I can't even hold a job!" Alex continued to whine all the way back to her apartment.


	4. Super Blue Blood Moon

_To the Guest Attorney – At least Nicky did tell Alex that she couldn't get a divorce in Vegas and it would have to be done where she lived. I guess I should have done a little research and put a time-hop notation in the notes. But honestly, I don't think it would have mattered since I don't have a clue about how long it takes to get in front of a judge regardless. Since this is the same judge they will see in six months, let's presume they are in New York._

 _Thanks for the heads-up! I appreciate it._

* * *

Nicky had convinced Alex the best way to play against the ice princess was to beat her at her own game, or at least find something that would irritate the shit out of her. "She's such a stick in the mud, Stretch. I think you should act like a total slob with no vision or direction in life." Nicky laughed as she punched her friend in the shoulder. "Not far from the truth, eh?"

"Shut it Nichols. I don't even know why I listen to you. I may not be able to please my aunt, but you know that's not for a lack of trying. I bust my ass for her. Yeah, I can be a slacker, but I…" She was interrupted by the downstairs buzzer.

Ringing the outside bell, Piper gave her sweetest voice when Alex answered. "Hi honey, it's me. Open up." Polly crawled out of the taxi behind Piper lugging another huge box.

"Yo! Come on up." Alex's gruff voice bellowed from the speakers. She buzzed open the door and smirked as she knew Piper would have to lug her stuff up three flights of stairs to her fourth-floor walk-up apartment. Frantic, Alex looked at Nicky with wild eyes. "She's here. Is the place messy enough?"

"Definitely! I worked almost a week to get every surface covered in take-out containers, pizza boxes, and empty beer bottles. AND none of those smarty pants books you read are in sight. Chill Vause. You got this – keep your eye on the prize. $1.5 million."

"This feels so wrong Nichols."

Before Nicky could respond, Piper pushed the door she pushed the door open with her foot. She tossed down the box she had under one arm. "Hey! I brought you a present, wifey. I hope you enjoy it," she passed Alex a six pack of beer, "because dykes, they do like their beer."

Alex mouthed at Nicky, "did she just call me a dyke?" Nicky motioned her towards the beer which Alex took. "Ummm, have you _seen_ me?" Alex stood up to her full 5'10" height. "Take a long hard look. Take it all in." Alex motioned a hand up and down her body.

"Despite my sometimes, okay well often, slovenly appearance, I do clean up quite nicely. Moreover, I am not and will never be considered a **dyke**." She withdrew a bottle from the six-pack to pass to Nicky and another for herself. "But hey, thanks for the beer."

When Piper looked around the apartment, she put her hands on her hips. "No? You literally have a bar

in the middle of your living room."

"Yup." Alex walked behind the bar and put the remaining bottles in the mini-fridge beneath its solid, gleaming surface. "And, I'm damned proud of this bar. I made it with my own two _dyke_ hands." Alex's voice dripped with sarcasm.

As the blonde continued to look around the small apartment, she was flabbergasted at the total mess that was scattered about. Food containers were strewn on every surface along with empty and partially empty beer cans and bottles. She had expected a woman who "cleaned up as nice" as Alex seemed to be would live in a spotless home. Nicky – a slob. Alex – no way.

Polly had finally dragged herself up the stairs and entered with a box of Piper's things and dropped it on the table. She looked around and gave the air a sniff test. "It's not so bad. Pipes. Then again, I don't have to live here."

Piper started mumbling to herself. "Well, I graduated from Smith University, I can totally do this. I'm tough. I'm fierce." As she looked further around the apartment and the chaos, she changed her statement. "Oh, my God. I can't do this! Seriously! Alex, you live like a bachelor. It's not becoming of a woman as beautiful as you. I don't even like you, but come on. Have some respect for yourself. Clean this dump up."

"You think I'm beautiful, eh?" Alex teased the blonde.

Nicky rolled her eyes. "I'm not here under court order, so yeah – I'm going to take off. Later, buddy. Remember, $1.5 million." Alex followed Nicky out the door.

"Nic, this is wrong, really wrong. What's wrong with just being myself? You know I have a way with women. I can melt her ice cocoon in no time."

"NO!" Nicky shook her head vigorously. "Being nice is a sign of weakness, weakness I say. Stay strong grasshopper. Later." Nicky jogged down the stairs and left her friend dazed.

* * *

Piper began to try to find a small bit of space for her belongings. While the living situation was only temporary, she didn't want to be living out of boxes and suitcases. "Do you think you can spare a drawer to two Alex?" She tried to temper the disgust out of her voice.

The dark-haired woman gave a huge sigh and went to the lone chest of drawers in the room. She pulled out the lowest drawer, locked eyes with Piper, and dumped the contents onto the floor. Her trademark smirk was plastered on her face as she kicked the clothes under the chest. "There. Happy?"

"Seriously? You are a work of art Al." Piper did her best to find some space for her things. She hadn't brought much, only the necessities and had stored the rest at Polly's.

As the newlyweds got ready for bed, the inevitable discussion of sleeping arrangements came up. "The judge said we had to live together, not sleep together. Being the _nice_ person that I am, you can have the bed; I'll take the couch." Alex plopped herself down on the long couch and pulled a ragged blanket over her long legs. She chuckled as Piper searched the small apartment for the bedroom. She then pointed to a 'door' on the wall. "There's your bed."

Piper gingerly opened the door and a murphy bed fell from the wall barely missing Piper's feet. It was… just a thin mattress, no sheets, no pillows, nothing. Nicky had confiscated anything that might have Alex look like a decent human. "Alex, come on!" Piper was whining. Alex shrugged, turned over and went to sleep. So, Piper dug through her meager possessions and located a clean set of sheets. After spraying the mattress with copious amounts of sanitizer, just in case, she remade the bed with her own linens and crawled into the lumpy bed. She probably would have been better off on the couch.

* * *

The next morning, Alex came out of the bathroom to the sight of Piper getting dressed. Her eyes lingered on the bare curves of her wife-in-name-only's body. She swallowed involuntarily before turning to her normal sarcastic comments. "Where do you get your underwear? The hospital? Seriously, what's up with the old lady bra?"

"Well, it's comfy and supportive, like a wife should be." Piper's cheerful voice still maintained a cynical, icy tone.

"Ohhhhhhhh so you are one of _those_ women. In the beginning it's all, like, laces and rainbows and trapdoors. As soon as you get married, it's nothing but these flesh tones and granny panties. You might as well wear a placard around your neck that says, _We're not having sex, ever_."

"Ever!" Piper reiterated. "We've established that."

"Ever." Alex mocked despite her mind going back to the couple 'not ever having sex' conversation right before they completely ravished each other's body in Vegas. The thoughts were causing sexual feelings for Alex. She knew the blonde's body intimately and knew exactly how Piper's naked body felt beneath her.

Heat shot from Alex's face down to her crotch. "What happened to the lavender bra and panty set from Vegas? That was nice." Alex softened her voice, actually trying to be kind.

Piper didn't notice and maintained her sharp, frosty tone as she blended her morning smoothie. "I'm going to save that for my _nice_ spouse. Well, the grownups have to go to work today. What are you going to do all day?"

"I don't know yet. I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love."

Piper headed out the door. "Whatever." She slammed the door left Alex to her wiles the rest of the day. Alex spent the time painting her nails, mixing random drinks at her bar, and sleeping.

* * *

Piper's phone buzzed in her pocket. She stepped away from the ruckus of the trading floor and answered the phone. "Chapman."

A deep voice responded, sleazy almost. "What are you wearing, baby?"

A disgusted look crossed Piper's face. "Who is this?" She poised her finger on the button to disconnect the call.

"Your boss. Get the Sososter and get up here right away."

Piper rolled her eyes. "Coming right up! Okay." She fought herself back through the crowd on the trading floor and grabbed Soso by her sleeve. "Boss needs to see us upstairs."

Quickly the three of them were crowded into an office, and the boss explained that the company was firing one of the long-term employees. The position was going to be filled by either Chapman or Soso. "I'll be making my decision over the next few weeks and make the choice after the company party. You're my top guns, girls. Do me proud."

Both women spoke over each other in excitement of the challenge of this opportunity. "Thank you, sir." He waved off their words and left the small office. The women were highly competitive and had been clamoring for a promotion for a while. The New York Stock Exchange was tough on women, and they had fought tooth and nail for everything they had accomplished.

Soso looked at Piper with an air of superiority. "I hope you know this means war Chapman."

Piper scoffed. "The battle has already been won, before the fighting even started."

"What?" Soso got up in Piper's face.

"Exactly."

Snapping her jaws, Piper growled. "I _eat_ girls like you for breakfast." Piper's widened and she blushed when she realized how that sounded.

Soso snickered as she exited the room.

* * *

Taking a deep breath in, Piper exhaled trying to calm her nerves. "Ready to do this?"

Alex gave a deep, throaty chuckle. "Yup. I can do anything for $1.5 mil. Cha-ching!"

The couples clasped hands and entered the marriage counseling suite. They took a seat on the couch, sitting as close as possible. Alex awkwardly put her arm around Piper who tried her best to snuggle against the woman who was supposed to be her wife.

"So, Alex, tell me about yourself. What are your hobbies?"

"My hobbies?" Alex was stalling trying to figure out how to play this. She decided to go with honest. "I, ummm, read. I love to read." Having seen nary a book of substance in the apartment, Piper snorted.

"Is there something funny about that?" The counselor directed her question at Piper who shook her head trying to stifle the laughs.

"What else?"

Alex pondered for a bit before grinning. "Shopping." Alex looked over at Piper and batted her eyelashes.

The counselor wasn't buying a word that came out of the dark-haired woman's mouth. "What else?" Piper was trying desperately hard to not burst out laughing.

"Seriously, look." Alex dug into her purse for a notebook and flipped it open. "This is my shopping list for the week. Piper works hard all day, so I like to do errands for her like go to the market." Alex's fake smile was about to break her face. She began to read from the list. "Organic milk, free range chicken eggs, nine-grain wheat bread…"

"I get the picture. Piper?"

The blonde nodded her head, thinking. "Work. My hobbies are work. I work. I mean, I'd love to do other things in my spare time, like maybe _clean the apartment_. It's just that after a full day of _work,_ I'm just too tired." Piper turned her head to glare at the woman sitting next to her. "Yeah. I mean, I'd love for my wife to have a clean apartment. No food containers, no empty beer bottles. I just don't have the energy to make her happy that way." Piper looked menacingly over at Alex. "But at least the bills get paid."

The counselor stopped them both. "You know, I do have a few degrees, and I went to a bunch

of really expensive schools. Anyway, I'm not buying that either of you are trying in this marriage. Now, if you want me to report back to the court that you're both working on your marriage, you're gonna actually have to do that."

With that, the counselor summarily dismissed the couple from the session.

* * *

After the dressing down they had received from the counselor, the couple decide to try to make peace with each other to some degree. Piper started with picking up the empty beer containers. But she couldn't pass up the opportunity to get a dig in on Alex.

"Pay attention now Alex." She grabbed one of the partially full stagnant beer bottles from the table and began to pour it down the sink. "See how it goes Alex. Okay? All the liquid goes down the little sink." Piper then deposited the bottle in the trash. "And then the empty goes in the trash."

Piper picked up another bottle and repeated the process. "See that? Isn't that magical? Amazing." She grabbed one last bottle. "Okay now, watch one more time. One more time. The liquid goes down the sink, and the bottle goes into the trash. That's not so hard, now is it?"

As she continued to clean the small apartment, Piper was humming an indiscriminate tune. Alex's guilt at her sloppiness was short lived only because Piper was being so self-righteous. She pushed herself off the couch and just muttered to herself, "$1.5 million." Grudgingly, Alex picked up a garbage bag and started with the food trash Nicky had left lying about the place. Working together, the women made short work of the trashy apartment, and it actually felt livable again.

* * *

"A Super Blue Blood Moon? Seriously Alex? You are making this shit up. I may be blonde, but…"

Alex rolled her eyes and tried explaining the phenomena again. "Geesh, nobody alive has EVER seen this. 1885, think about it. Andrew Jackson was president."

"A Super Blue Blood Moon…" Piper pondered. "Blue Moon – isn't that a beer?" Piper's snarky response masked her interest in what Alex was saying.

"Seriously Piper? Why did I even bother to think this might interest you, Smith grad and all?" Alex got up from the couch to walk away. Piper quickly reached up and snagged her arm.

"No, wait Al, come on, come on." It wasn't until Alex got up to abandon her did Piper realize that she was actually interested and didn't want her wife to leave. "I really was listening. Let me see." Piper held up one finger. "Blue Moons happen about every three years. That's when there are two full moons in a month – thus the saying, 'Once in a blue moon'."

She held up a second finger. "A total lunar eclipse has the Earth passing between the Sun and the moon. The moon then looks rusty or red, thus the Blood Moon." She looked at Alex for confirmation. "And finally," Piper held up a third finger. "A Super Moon is when the moon's orbit is closest to the Earth and appears a lot brighter and even larger than normal. Put all that together and you have a 'Super Blue Blood Moon'." Alex didn't respond. "Right?"

Alex pushed her glasses to the top of her head, pulling her hair away from her face. "Yeah." She turned to face away from Piper, still pouting.

Her sullen mood made Piper realize that this might have been more important to Alex than she realized. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make fun of it. Sounds pretty awesome."

"Yup. Some things are once in a lifetime."

Piper pulled out her phone and googled a bit. She then gently grabbed Alex's elbow and turned her so she was facing Piper. "The city lights are pretty bright, yeah? What if I told you I knew the perfect place to watch this?" Alex cocked her head sideways, looking interested. "I know you've been trying lately Al. And this pigsty is livable now. Let me do this for you. I can't fly you to California where the best viewing in the U.S. will probably be, but I do know the perfect place. How about we leave here around 4 am?"

"Four am, like in the morning?" Piper nodded. Alex contemplated her response. "I suppose I could do it for a once in a lifetime opportunity."

* * *

"Wake up you big slug!" Piper was shaking Alex trying to rouse her from a deep sleep.

"Mmmm… sleep."

"No Al. Get up, it's time to go." When Alex didn't move, Piper snatched the blanket off her torso in hopes the cold would wake her up. Instead, a long arm snaked out and caught Piper's leg. Alex pulled Piper's knees into until they hit the cushion, and Piper fell on top the couch thus on top of Alex.

"There, now warm." After a few moments, Alex peeked out of eye slits and burst out laughing. "You look terrified Pipes. It's okay to touch me you know. It's not like you haven't before." She waggled her eyes for effect.

Piper frowned at her wife and rolled off onto the floor so she could get up. "Time to get up bum."

Alex crawled out of bed to get ready as Piper brewed some coffee. She fixed two insulated to-go mugs of coffee and put the rest in a thermos. She nestled the insulated carafe in a beach bag on top of a blanket she had packed the night before, and soon they were on their way.

Piper was surprised when Alex didn't question where they were going. She drove her car onto the ferry, and they rode about thirty miles east of town. After pulling off the ferry, the drive wasn't much further. Piper was happy to see the beach was fairly deserted which meant they didn't have to share their "lifetime event" with anyone else. Alex lifted an eyebrow when they parked a bit from a lighthouse which stood about fifty yards from the ocean waves lapping at the sands of high tide.

The women were silent as they gathered their things and made their way onto the boardwalk by the towering lighthouse. Alex spread out the blanket so that they could lean against one of the pillars. Piper refilled their coffee as they both settled down for the celestial event.

* * *

An alarm went off on Alex's phone. Piper looked at her questioningly. "I'm a geek, so? I have it all timed out. You can't see anything just yet, but the moon just entered the lighter part of the Earth's shadow or it's penumbra. Officially the eclipse is starting. What's going to suck is that we aren't going to see much of it because here on the East coast, the moon will set before it gets exciting."

Coffee didn't quite stave off the chill in the air, so Piper found herself leaning closer into Alex to absorb her warmth. "How long does this stage last?"

Alex checked her watch and replied, "About forty minutes. It's almost like the moon is chicken – too afraid to just take the plunge and hide from the sun." Alex smiled to herself as she felt Piper continue to snuggle closer. "But it's slowly working up the nerve to do so."

Piper continued to ask Alex questions until her alarm when off again. "Now what?" She found herself actually getting more excited than she had expected.

Alex pointed the faint shadowing on the left portion of the moon. "You should be able to make out the subtle shadows now. The moon is working up its nerve to hide." Piper giggled at how Alex was making a special effort to explain the phases for her.

"Now look – see that obvious smudge, the next phase is starting." As Alex finished, her alarm went off again. "Now watch as the moon slowly disappears behind the Earth. That curve you see is our shadow as it chokes off the sunlight from reaching the moon."

"Chokes? Damn, maybe the moon had good reason to not want to hide behind the Earth." Piper's matter of fact tone made the both laugh. "Is it turning red now?"

"You might see a few hints of red or orange. Unfortunately, we won't get to see much more as the moon is about to set." The pair watched as the curve of the earth slowly moved across the surface of the moon and the deep shadows of moon light faded away.

"I know we can't see it anymore, but do you mind if we stay out here?" She put her arm around Piper and pulled her in closer. Piper's body responded with that funny little fluttering feeling in her stomach. The women chatted away stopping only when Alex's alarm would go off. She would then tell the tale of the moon's adventure. Eventually Piper laid down on her back and Alex followed suit.

"You really are into this Alex."

"My mom and I used to do a lot of star gazing. Of course, you can't have the stars without the moon."

"You mom? Red's sister?"

"Kind of. Red isn't actually my aunt, she was my mom's best friend. She just sort of started taking care of me after my mom died. She doesn't have any kids but me." Piper nodded in understanding. "So… what's your story? Behind this place?" Alex motioned to the lighthouse and beach. "How did you come across this?"

Piper pondered her answer a few moments before speaking. "There was this one day, before the Exchange, before Larry. I was feeling really adventurous, so I took the ferry here." Piper laid on her back and pulled Alex down with her.

Alex rolled over sideways so she could look at Piper as she spoke. "Mmm-hmm."

"This is a great lighthouse. I mean, just right on the beach, off the boardwalk."

"You came here by yourself?" Alex resisted burying her nose into Piper's hair to smell the peach shampoo she knew Piper used.

"Yeah. You know, I just, like, sat down there, on the beach… listened to the waves… watched the sunset. God! I had no concerns, you know? I had, like, no responsibilities, no job stressing me out. I had no one to please but myself."

"That's that photo you have." Alex reached over to wrap a lock of Piper's hair around her finger. "Framed in the apartment?"

"Yeah. That was a great day. I keep that picture to remind me of a time when life was simpler. Keeps me grounded."

"Well, thank you for sharing your happy place Pipes. And thank you for bringing me here for our once in a lifetime event." Alex rolled back over to stand up. Piper immediately missed her warmth. Alex stretched her hand down to pull Piper up.

As Piper stood, she came face to face with the taller woman. The two locked eyes for a moment as if time stood still. Alex's eyes flicked down to Piper's lips. She couldn't help to make a slight motion forward towards Piper. Then her heart fell as Piper ducked her head away and headed towards the car.

* * *

 _A/N: I've been trying to keep to a Tuesday/Wednesday, Saturday/Sunday update schedule. But with the Super Blue Blood Moon (yeah it's a thing) coming early Wednesday morning (that's for the U.S.), I thought I'd update early in case any of you other geeks like me what to check out the time the event will be in your neck of the woods. Space dot com has a schedule for the different U.S. time zones and you might be able to find some information for other parts of the western hemisphere as well. Happy moon gazing._


	5. Sabotage? Or Not

Later that evening, Piper was commiserating with Polly via text.

[Piper]: _Pol, I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure I can do this.  
_ [Polly]: _Come on, it can't be that bad. I mean, she's hot – a slob – but totally doable. You've always considered your sexuality fluid_

Ignoring what her friend said about Alex's sex appeal, Piper responded.

[Piper]: _We actually worked together and cleaned up the place. I think the trash was Nicky's idea.  
_ [Polly]: _Mustafa must go. Look Larry is calling me. How about we do lunch tomorrow? Come up with a plan to derail this project?  
_ [Piper]: _God please, see you tomorrow. Text me with deets._

* * *

The next day, Nicky showed up at Alex's laden with beer and snacks. Alex leaped over the back of her couch, plopping down and handing Nicky a beer. "This marriage bit sucks Alex. I mean, I haven't had sex in _forever_. Sex is what keeps me going."

Nicky chuckled because her friend normally was at the clubs every chance she could be picking up the hottest women in the place. "Masturbate. It's not like it will make you go blind Stretch."

"Not the same Nic. I mean, come on. Have you seen my wife? She's off the charts _hot_ and she prances around barely clothed and, and, and… UGH." Alex drained her beer.

"She does live here Alex. Would you rather her be dressed like a burly lumberjack?"

"You aren't helping. I know she lives here. But why do I want her so badly? I'm supposed to despise her, not want to sleep with her. Isn't that how it goes with divorcing couples?" Nicky didn't respond and just let her friend blow off steam. "And yesterday, we had this _moment_." Alex explained what happened with the lunar phenomena and how they laid on the boardwalk together as well as the almost kiss. "Why didn't I just kiss her? What is it about this woman that intimidates me so much?"

"Whoa! What? You almost kissed her? Slow your roll bud. You cannot get close to the she-devil. She's wily and will trick you out of your share of the money. Don't get attached Alex."

Alex hung her head in despair. "I think it's a little too late for that."

"Look I have some ideas."

"Your ideas are shit Nicky."

"Just relax, I'll take care of everything. I found some interesting case law about this. If we can convince her to get fed up and just leave you, then you will get all the money. $3 cool million. She already half hates you anyway. Why don't we just push that all the way?"

Alex shook her head. "Nicky, no. If this includes fucking with Piper, I want no part in it."

Her friend gave an evil. "Good, I'll take care of everything then."

* * *

Meanwhile, Piper and Polly were having a similar discussion at lunch. Piper was whining to her friend about the back and forth feelings she had about Alex. "I want so bad to not like her, but the longer I live there, the more I'm finding she's a likable person. She's… real."

"What sort of real person has a asshole with lion's hair for a friend? If you are really struggling living there, I think it's time to go to Plan B."

"What was Plan A?" Piper was confused.

"Look my mother's third marriage was to this young Cubano bartender. Huge mistake, he was a player. Right when she was going to file for divorce, he came into a shit-ton of money. Being the greedy bitch she is, she wanted half of his money. The court said that if they both wanted the money, they had to remain married and prove they can make it work. Sound familiar?" She raised her eyebrows at Piper. "Of course, my conniving mother started doing things to try to prove he was unfaithful."

"So if I can get Alex to end the marriage by cheating on me..."

Polly picked up the sentence, "Not only would you get out of the marriage... you will also get the full $3 million."

* * *

Piper had the ingredients to her morning smoothie prepared and ready to be blended. She then returned to the bathroom to finish getting ready. Nicky had rang up, so Alex opened the door to her friend. "What the hell are you doing here Nic?" She looked down to the small pan Nicky thrust at her.

"Brownies." Nicky waggled her eyebrows and cut out a few squares, placing a few on a paper plate next to the blender.

Alex's eyes grew wide as she frantically shook her head "no" and reached for the offensive snack. Right at that time, Piper walked out of the bathroom and caught her with the ooey gooey chocolate snacks in her hands.

Piper's eyes lit up. "Oh my gawd. I was so not looking forward to that damned smoothie this morning. Those look delicious Alex. So good that I think it's time for a cheat day. Thanks!" She took the paper plate with the pair of brownies on it and added a third for good measure.

"Don't thank me," Alex mumbled.

"What was that?" Then Piper noticed Nicky. "Hey Nicky. Did you bring these?" Nicky nodded trying to keep her mirth from bursting out. "Well thank _you_ then. Off to work."

When Alex was sure that Piper was down the stairs and out the front door she turned to Nicky. "What the fuck was that Nicky? Those better not be what I thought they were."

"Just treats from my favorite marijuana dealer."

"Nicky! That's not even legal in New York yet."

"Alex, it's pot. Who cares? Plus, I'm a lawyer." Nicky snatched a brownie off from the pan and settled on the couch for a quick high.

* * *

During the morning meeting, Piper's boss was discussing how the recent hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico were affecting crude oil prices. "Awww that's too bad." Piper crooned as she slipped down into her chair.

Her boss just glanced at her before continuing. "So if you see futures start to become more active, buy the hell out of then." Piper's boss stopped to watch Piper as she was slumped in her chair and her eyes were glassed over. As he continued his morning meeting, Piper suddenly reached into her bag and withdrew a large bag of chips. She noisily opened them and began munching away, offering the snack to the people sitting beside her.

By now her behavior had everyone's attention. As the meeting ended, Soso bumped Piper's chair on her way out. "Smoke much?" Piper looked at her confused. "You are stoned Piper." When Piper shook her head, Soso spun Piper's chair around. "Look at me." She held up her index finger. "Keep your head still but follow my finger with your eyes." Soso moved her finger to the left. Piper's eyes moved to that direction, snapped back to the middle then back to Soso's finger.

After Soso repeated the test the other direction, she exclaimed, "Yup, high as a fucking kite."

By now Piper was giggling. "Nope, I don't do drugs." Soso scoffed. Suddenly Piper dug in her bag and pulled out what was left of her cheat breakfast. "Want some?"

"Ummm no, I don't do pot brownies." Soso got up to leave. "You'd better take the day off before boss busts you. Yeah, I want this promotion, but I want to win it fair and square. Not because you get fired for coming to work high."

Piper banged her forehead down on the table, angry that she'd been sabotaged by Alex's friend. "SON OF A BITCH." Rather than heading home where she knew she'd throttle Alex, Piper headed to Polly's. Luck would have it that Polly was able to take the rest of the day off.

* * *

After a relaxing day spent stoned and vegging on the couch with all their favorite munchies, Alex and Nicky decided it was time for a girl's night out. "I may not be able to touch, but I sure can look, right?" Nicky agreed.

"But maybe you should check in with your _wifey poo_ so that you don't get in trouble." Nicky chortled still high as a kite.

Alex rolled her eyes but picked up her phone and texted her plans to Piper who responded that she'd go ahead and spend the evening with Polly.

[Alex]: _Have fun_

[Piper]: _You, too_

"There, permission granted. She's hanging with Polly."

It had been a while since Alex had done the club scene, well Vegas in fact. She decided to go with a casual look: black t-shirt with some obscure rock band, black skinny jeans, and black low-cut chucks. She threw on her favorite black leather biker jacket to complete her full mysterious Vause look. When her friend was ready, they were off to their favorite lesbian dive bar.

* * *

"What's that look for Polly?" She could tell her friend was scheming. Piper had finally come off her pot brownie high and was just feeling the after-effects. She figured that was what she got for pigging out and eating three of Nicky's brownies.

"Ladies night, eh? Look we both know Alex is a player. She may have told you that she was just going to hang out with Nicky a while, but what if we, you know, pushed a little temptation in her way. Teased her some?"

"You really think Alex would fall for it?" Piper wasn't too sure that she could pull one over on her dark-haired wife.

"She won't even know we are there. Do you know where they are going?" Piper listed off a few of Alex's favorite hang-outs. "Okay, here's the plan."

Both women dressed down and tried to disguise themselves without being too obvious. Piper simply shoved her blonde hair into a beanie, and Polly found some type of fedora that looked sheik and silly at the same time.

Finding Nicky and Alex didn't take long, so Piper procured a booth in a dark corner so they could watch while Polly went to the bar to order. Alex and Nicky were seated at the bar laughing at something the bartender was saying. Polly stood with her back to the other women and scanned for her mark. After a short discussion and exchange of money, Polly slid into the booth with drinks. "And now, we watch the show."

"What did you do Pol?" Piper licked some salt off the rim of her glass and took a drink of margarita.

"See those two women?" She motioned to the area where she had been standing. "Just watch." Polly had motioned to a pair of women who, by any rights, were sexy as fuck. Soon that pair made their way to the other side of the bar and took a seat next to Nicky. One of them raised two fingers indicating drinks for themselves and motioned for another round for Nicky and Alex.

Once a conversation had started, the red head moved over to sit next to Alex. Even from afar, it was obvious that she was being super flirty – touching Alex's arm when she talked and tossing back her hair to laugh after Alex told one of her stories.

Piper got an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach as her mind went back to the morning she and Alex spent at the lighthouse. It was like a little bug had entered her head and was nibbling away at all the good thoughts and replacing them with images of Alex and this red head. The other woman went to order another round of drinks but Alex shook her head to refuse. Eventually the pair gave up and left to another part of the club. Piper's feelings of jealousy eased up seeing that Alex had rejected the other girl.

"Well that didn't work." Polly downed the rest of her drink and motioned for the waitress for another round. "Ooohhh but check that out." Polly pointed to a woman who was apparently watching Alex. The woman broke away from her friends to go to the restroom, and Polly excused herself to follow. Piper sat idly spinning her margarita glass on the damp napkin watching holes being chewed in the paper.

"Now what?" Piper inquired of her friend when she returned.

"This one is easy. That woman already has the hots for Alex and is going to get her to dance. Then let the fireworks begin."

The new woman waited for a good song then approached Alex. While Piper couldn't hear their conversation, she could see the other woman pulling on Alex's arm trying to convince her to dance. Eventually Alex relented and allowed herself to be led to the dance floor. Piper was miserable watching the woman dance up against Alex, trying to wrap her limbs over the tall woman's body.

* * *

Despite the other woman's best attempts, Alex eventually begged off the dance floor and went to the patio for some fresh air. Piper decided that Polly's games weren't working and slipped out to the patio and took a seat in the chair next to Alex. "Hey."

"Piper? What are you doing here?" Alex's confusion was evident on her face. When Piper looked at her guiltily, she smirked, now understanding why so many women were hitting on her. "Well I'm just taking a break from the craziness in there."

"Sorry," Piper said sheepishly.

"Do you really think that I'm dumb enough to cheat on you?" She looked sideways at Piper.

"Polly says it's only a matter of time. She says you are a womanizer, and I agree."

Alex shook her head. "Well thank you for the vote of confidence. I appreciate that. I thought we had gotten past that."

"Look Alex, I know how hard this must be for you, being in a relationship and all. Even if it's a fake one." Alex rolled her eyes. "You're not exactly serious girlfriend/wife material, okay? You are more of a … one-night-stand kind of gal."

Laughing, Alex shook her head. "Aren't you the pot calling the kettle black. I know you are miserable – being married to me and all when you are so clearly in love with your ex." Alex struck a nerve with Piper.

"I'm **not** in love with him." Piper's response was haughty.

"Then why are you still wearing his ring?" Alex tapped the engagement ring on Piper's right hand.

Piper thought for a while before responding. "Because my current spouse bought me one out of a vending machine in Vegas." While her response was bitter, she knew Alex had a point about her still wearing Larry's ring.

Alex finished her beer. "All I know is, if I get dumped on my ass, I wouldn't be caught dead wearing her ring unless, of course, I was still in love and afraid to let go."

"Alex, I am so happy to be away from Larry. I spent every moment I was with him life trying to be somebody else's idea of perfect – his, my mom's, everyone around me. And you know what? I still don't feel good enough for any of them." Piper crossed her arms and blinked away the tears that threatened to escape her eyes.

"Hey, hey, that's not what I meant. Please don't cry." Alex wrapped her arm around Piper. "I just... Your secret's safe with me." Alex's signature smirk riled Piper up and earned her an arm poke.

Piper took off Larry's engagement ring and tucked it into her pocket. "You are right about the ring though. I need to move on. But don't you worry about me though. I'm a married woman."

Alex chuckled. "Yeah and sex or no sex, I'm not going anywhere. I've screwed up so much in my life and this," she motioned to the space between them, "won't be one of them."

"Till death do us part." Piper and Alex both stood, Piper teasingly poked her finger in Alex's chest. As Piper moved to go back inside, Alex moved to block her way. She stared at Piper, thinking of the things she'd been thinking about Piper for a while and slowly closed the distance to Piper's face with her own. After a few moments of emotional connection, this time Alex was the one who turned and walked away. Piper let out a long, tense breath – one she wasn't even aware she was holding.

* * *

The sexual tension of the two near kisses kept Alex and Piper avoiding each other for the next few days. Neither woman brought it up as their time was mostly just spent ignoring each other. Unfortunatly, the time had once again arrived for the couple's weekly counseling.

"It's like all her things have taken over my apartment. I don't have an ounce of space, and what space I do have shrinks on a regular basis." Alex was ranting, shaking her hands in the air.

"Dr., Alex doesn't do anything all day but sit around, drink beer, and play video games!" Piper retorted as she shook her head. "It's like she's not even a grown up. She. Does. Nothing. …all day long." Alex was too angry to contradict Piper with how she spent her days which was normally curled up with a good book. And she had curtailed her drinking to almost nothing.

"I swear she's trying to drive me crazy." Alex banged her head on the table. "She barely covers herself up in the apartment. We aren't having 'marital relations' and her walking around looking like she does is just wrong in so many ways."

"Sex, just say it Alex. We aren't having sex because we can't stand each other." Piper felt inappropriate saying that when recently, having sex with Alex is all that had been on her mind. "At least I have a job and am paying the bills. You, it's like you don't even want this marriage to work."

"All right. You're arguing. Now it's beginning to feel like you are a real married couple." Dr. Twitchell seemed pleased. "You're making progress."

* * *

Alex trudged up the stairs with the groceries she had bought for the next few days. She had been trying to do her best with Piper, making sure to get her favorites at the store, carefully picking out the best organic fruit, etc. She pushed the door to her apartment open surprised to see two people there rather than just Piper.

"Hi, honey! Welcome home!" Piper leapt off the barstool where she had been sitting with Alex's aunt and greeted Alex with giggles, a kiss on the cheek, and a hug. She was wearing a nice little dark blue sleeveless shirt that was cut off right above her knees. Alex just gawked as she was left speechless and how much skin Piper was showing and exactly how sexy she looked.

Alex shook off the surprise and addressed her aunt. "Aunt Red! What are you doing here?"

Returning to the bar, Piper retrieved a cold beer for her wife and delivered it to a shell-shocked Alex. "Well, you left your phone when you went to the store. She texted you, so I thought I'd surprise you and invite her over for dinner." Piper put on a pouty face and talked in a baby type voice. "Please don't be angry. I thought you'd be happy to see your aunt."

Red got up and was walking around the small efficiency. "You know that I've never been invited over here?"

"No! Really?" Alex didn't bother to try to mask her sarcasm.

"Alex, I know you are still upset that I fired you. But why didn't you tell me you got married? That is very, very hurtful. Especially..."

"Aunt Red, I…"

"Especially when it's such a lovely lady like Piper here. I'm so proud of you, Alex!" Red reached over and patted Alex on the cheeks. "I didn't think you'd ever settle down. But then I met this wonderful girl. You couldn't have done better! I am very proud of you, daughter." Red's face was beaming with pride.

Caught off guard by her aunt's seeming praise, Alex tried to keep her smile in place. "Piper babe?"

"Yes, love muffin?" Piper patted Alex's chest fearing that she had infuriated her wife.

"Aunt Red do you mind if I talk to my wife for a second? We won't be long." She dragged Piper out in the hallway.

Piper was grinning from ear to ear. "Gracious Alex. How weird is it going to be in court when your aunt is a character witnesses for me?"

"Obviously, you haven't told her everything about how we met, the jackpot, etc, right?" Alex glanced over her shoulder at her aunt.

Piper knew she had the goods on Alex. "Nope. Why should I? She likes me." She batted her eyelashes innocently.

Alex was quiet for a few moments, contemplating her response. "What if we didn't tell her? What would it take for you to just keep this our little secret for a little bit?" Alex's eyes were pleading and Piper realized she was quite serious. Piper softened when she realized that Alex was just looking for acceptance from her aunt. She could tell this meant a lot to Alex.

"I can do that for one favor to be called in at a later date."

"Deal." Alex pulled Piper in close and kissed her on top of the head making chill bumps crawl up Piper's arms.

The couple made their way back to Red where Piper turned up the charm a notch. "Well, Aunt Red, you know, I am so glad to finally meet you. Alex has told me a lot about you, how you took her in after her mother passed. You know she considers you a second mother." This caught Red off guard. "You taught her how to work with wood right?"

"I tried," replied Red. "Some things stuck. Others didn't."

"Do you know she made this bar we're sitting at? I think it's absolutely beautiful? I mean, look at it." Piper ran her hands over the smooth, polished wood with the ornate and fine details along the edges.

Red examined the bar. "Dovetail's off on the corner," she scoffed.

When Piper noticed Alex's grimace, she quickly jumped to her defense. "It's off?" Piper questioned. "Well, I think it's great. Not many women have such an eye for detail as your niece." Alex ducked her head after flashing her wife her a small smile.

"I don't know." Red's voice became dubious. "She tends to not stick to things she starts. Maybe she has started changing since she met you. I hope she doesn't end up disappointing you." Red was matter of fact with her words. Alex's face dropped as she realized that she still had not earned the respect of the woman from whom she most desired.

* * *

Dinner was a success. As Red praised Piper's cooking, Piper responded. "I couldn't have done with without Alex's help. She did as much as I." Piper kept inserting positive comments about Alex, but Red never seemed to respond. It was like the compliments went in one ear and out the other.

"What are you doing on Saturday? You've got to come to Uncle John's birthday in the park with us." Red gave Piper a hug as she got up to leave. She patted Alex on the shoulder. "Make sure you bring your wife to meet the family."

After Red left, Piper and Alex cleaned the kitchen and washed the dishes in silence. They moved in tandem as if they had been working together in the kitchen for a long time. Once finished, Alex poured two large glasses of wine and settled next to Piper on the couch.

"Thanks Pipes."

"Hmmm?"

"For standing up for me to Aunt Red. It may not seem like much, but it's nice to know someone has my back."

"Alex regardless of what is going between us, I care about you. It sucks to admit it, but I do. I got the sense that your aunt doesn't have much faith in you." Alex scoffed. "I do Alex. I have faith in you, okay?"

"Are you up to meeting my family this weekend? It's going to be a crazy big picnic in the park." Alex couldn't help herself and threw an arm around Piper's shoulders.

Piper snuggled into Alex's arm. "Yeah I'm up to it. That is, if you are ready for them to meet me."

After both wine glasses were empty, Alex gently took them and placed them on the coffee table. She then wrapped her arm back around Piper, drawing her closer into her where the pair stayed until dawn broke in the morning.


	6. Nicky's Meddling

"She asked Red over for dinner?" Nicky poured herself and Alex another shot, not noticing that Alex had been sipping hers rather than pounding them like normal. "Don't let her get into your head Stretch. Keep your eyes on the prize. One. Point. Five. Million." Alex just sat and listened to her friend. For some reason she didn't feel as put out by Piper's actions as Nicky.

"And then, Red invited her to Uncle John's birthday picnic," Alex admitted. She wasn't exactly upset with Piper, just shocked at the ease with which her wife was settling into her life – without even trying.

"Is she going?" Alex nodded. Nicky gasped in response. "Alex, no, she's digging in her claws; don't you see that? She's going to dig in her cute, little blonde claws and drag you down. Wait hold that thought... Gotta make a trip to loo." Nicky jumped off the barstool and trotted in to use Alex's bathroom. When she emerged, she was holding Piper's engagement ring. "What's this?" Nicky's mischievous eyes were sparkling.

"What the fuck Nicky? Did you just go rummaging through her stuff?" Alex was getting quite annoyed with her friend as she tried to get the ring back from her crazy friend.

"Why does she still have it even? She still in love with the fellow?" Nicky kept hammering her friend with questions.

"No Nicky, she's not. Now give me that." Alex again reached for the ring, but Nicky quickly pocketed it.

"Trust me Alex. I know what's best for you. I don't want her getting into your head. Instead, I'm going to get into hers."

"Nicky, don't you dare. Just leave it be, okay?" Alex was frantic, not knowing what plan Nicky was concocting.

"Nope, just trust me Al. I've never let you down."

* * *

Nicky slid onto a barstool next to Larry who looked at the woman like she had five eyes.

"Ummm hello?" Larry was uncomfortable because of the close proximity of this strange woman who had sat next to him.

"Hey. Jameson, on the rocks." Nicky called to the bartender. "You're Larry, right?" Nicky could barely keep from laughing at the dour looking fellow dressed in a stuffy sweater vest.

"Yeah." Larry swirled his drink in his glass before taking another swallow. "And you would be… ?"

"I'm Nicky Nichols, a friend of Piper's."

"Piper's?" Larry was obviously confused. He had pretty much pushed Piper from his mind once he had broken off the engagement.

Nicky nodded as she pulled something out of her pocket. "I just wanted to give you this back. She _finally_ tossed it in the garbage. I couldn't just let it end up in the trash. I mean, you spent, what, like, five, six thousand on this thing."

Larry frowned as he took the engagement ring from Nicky. "Actually, thirty grand." Nicky almost choked on her whiskey at the extravagance. "Thanks." He slipped the ring into the breast pocket of his suit. "Hey, how's Piper doing?"

"You know, she's good." Nicky nodded with her impish smile.

"She's probably packing it on, right?" Larry patted his midsection. "Eating her misery." Larry was pushing his luck.

Realizing just how big of a jerk Larry was, Nicky had to struggle to stick to what she had planned on saying. Alex had (mistakenly) shared some of what Piper had told her about hers and Larry's relationship. "You really live up to the billing. You know that? Piper told me what an impressive guy you are. She said she was trying to be so perfect, because deep down, she never really felt like she was good enough to be with you. But since you two separated, she's a changed woman." Nicky ordered another round of drinks for herself and Larry.

"From the day I laid eyes on her, I knew she wouldn't stay single for long. She's dating a friend of mine, Alex." Nicky tossed back her whiskey like it was a shot. "Well, I gotta get going. Alex is having a family picnic Saturday in Grove Park. Piper asked me to pick up a big bag of weed for one of the uncle's birthday. That woman really knows how to cut loose."

"Really?" Larry was in shock. Nicky nodded. Larry patted his breast pocket where he had put the ring for safe keeping. "Well, thanks again."

* * *

"Molly! Hi ya!" Nicky passed Piper and Polly on her way to the food table. She nodded a hello to Piper .

"Mustafa." Polly greeted Nicky back.

"Piper?" Piper turned around to be enveloped in a hug from Red. "I'm so glad you could make it."

"Of course, I wouldn't miss a chance to meet the rest of the family. This is my best friend, Polly. Where's Alex?"

"She's over there." Red motioned towards the ball fields where Alex was apparently coaching one of the teams. Piper paused a moment as she appreciated how Alex's ass looked in the tight-fitting baseball pants and how sexy she looked with her hair pulled through the back of a baseball cap.

Red pulled Piper towards the crowd. "Come on, sweetheart. I want my new daughter-in-law to meet the whole family without my hooligan niece around." Piper cringed at the last statement and made every effort she could to say kind words about Alex. Despite the obviously love she had for Alex, Red seemed to always have a disparaging remark to say about her niece.

* * *

A group of kids were all huddled around their tall coach. "Okay everyone, hands in. One, two, three Litchfield!" They all shouted and cheered before scattering off in their separate ways.

Piper fell in step beside her wife who was walking next to a young girl with dark hair and pigtails. "Hi." Who is this cute young lady?"

"This is my mini-me, my god-daughter, and BFF, the great Sami Sosa. Sami, this is your Aunt Piper."

"Nice to meet you, Sami." Piper gave a shy wave to the girl. Turning her attention back to Alex, she motioned, "so you coach softball? I didn't know that"

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me. Isn't that right Sami?"

"Aunt Red's favorite story is how Alex wore a little fedora and a leather jacket to school every day for six months." Sami piped up as she skipped along next to her god-mother. "I bet you didn't know that either."

"I can't believe Aunt Red told her that, but come on. Who wouldn't want to be Indiana Jones?" Alex was blushing.

Piper chimed in, "Raiders of the Lost Ark may be the greatest movie ever made. Besides, I bet you looked hot in your little leather jacket." Alex looked softly at her wife and smiled.

Nicky stood next to Polly as they watched the interactions between their best friends. "I don't think I like what we are seeing now."

"I think we need to step up our interventions." Nicky turned her beer bottoms up and drained it.

* * *

Sami had commandeered the newlyweds for a walk, holding both Alex's and Piper's hand so she could periodically swing over the sidewalk cracks in the middle. "She doesn't seem so bad, Aunt Alex." Sami blurted out in her adorable little voice. "I think you guys should just split the money and stay married. You can have lots of pretty babies for me to play with."

Piper's eyes widened. "You told her Al? She's what? Nine?"

"Ten but yeah, I don't have secrets from Sami. I tell her everything." Alex grinned at Piper and gave Sami a big wink.

Sami saw the restroom and claimed she needed to stop. Alex asked Piper if she shouldn't mind walking her god-child back to the picnic so that Alex could go and help cook. She gave Piper a soft kiss on the cheek and left to the barbecue pits.

As Piper waited on the little girl, she heard a familiar voice behind her. "Piper!"

"Larry, what are you doing here?" Piper was truly confused.

"I was ummmm just visiting some friends," Larry stammered as he motioned over his shoulder.

"In Brooklyn? You don't have friends in Brooklyn."

"Well, yeah, yeah I do. Jill and Tommy moved here – you know, the artists. They love it." Larry was trying to play things all cool. "Hey, you want to go grab a drink or something? Maybe catch up on life?"

Piper looked down at her feet. "I can't right now. Sorry." She motioned over to the party. "I'm not here alone."

Larry looked surprised. "Okay, ummm all right." The disappointment was evident in his voice. "Next weekend maybe?

Piper shook her head. "No, that's my work retreat."

"Wow! You seem fine." Larry was in shock. "And – you look great. When can we get together then?"

Piper pulled her hand from Larry's. She hadn't even realized he had grabbed it. "Look Larry, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Oh, ummm well, it was nice seeing you anyway."

From across the park, three sets of eyes were watching the interaction between Larry and Piper. When Larry grabbed Piper's hand, Alex turned away and busied her mind with cooking, fighting her disappointment.

Nicky, on the other hand, was beside herself with excitement. "Did you set that up douchebag?" When Polly shoved Nicky's chest, Nicky looked at her strangely. "Did you ever think that you might be hurting her? Geesh. I don't want her and Alex to be together any more than you, but inviting Larry here? Low blow Mustafa."

* * *

Alex was still cooking burgers and hot dogs at the pits. Nicky watched her friend for a bit then walked up to give her a fresh beer. She had been watching her friend stare at the blonde all afternoon as Piper interacted with the family. She had also seen how upset Alex had looked when she saw Larry and Piper talking. "Oh, my God. You actually like her." Alex glared at Nicky, "What? It's true. You're falling for your wife! You idiot!"

"What are you talking about?" Still somewhat in denial, Alex rolled her eyes.

"I see the way you've been watching her all day, the way you look at her. You, my friend, are falling in love. Does $1.5 million mean nothing to you? She's going to suck you in, chew, and spit you out. Next thing you know, she's walking away with her share and yours!"

"Whatever Nicky. Do you ever think I might be tired of you sticking your nose into my life? So what if Piper is growing on me? She's easy on the eyes and we aren't arguing as much anymore. That sure does make home life a lot easier. Quit trying to screw stuff up between us. Oh and by the way, I still need Piper's ring back before she notices it missing."

* * *

Monday morning at the Stock Exchange, Piper's boss approached her as she was stacking slips of paper and turning in her trades for the day. "Hey, Chapman. What'd you do, take the weekend off?"

"Oh..." Piper stumbled over her response. She normally put in lots of weekend hours work, trying to climb up the promotion ladder.

"Have fun? No, I remember when I didn't care about my career, either." Her boss was goading her because he knew how competitive she was.

"I'm sorry, I just had this thing … this weekend … with my wife's family..." Piper paused, cringing, as the realized she had just admitted to being married… and being married to a woman. She took in a deep breath and held it.

"Your wife? You got married? Well, thanks for the invite. I didn't even know you were dating. Well I know you were engaged to a man, but he dumped you. Married to a woman? So soon? Well congratulations."

Piper let out her held breath. "I didn't tell you that?" Piper was mumbling under her breath.

"Nope. Listen, Piper, I'm going to let you in on a secret. One of the things I value most in my employees is honesty. So, I'm going be honest with you. Right now, you and Soso still are tied for the promotion. Now, Sosoer is bringing her husband to the retreat. I think you should bring your wife, too. That might push it over the edge in your favor, especially if she's hot."

"She'll be there. You can count on it, sir." Piper rolled her eyes at the crude man and she spun her chair back to finish her work.

* * *

Her phone was ringing as Piper walked into the apartment. She fumbled with her bags to get it answered in time. "Hello, Piper Chapman speaking."

"Hi. This is Annette calling from Dr. Twitchell's office."

Piper was confused. "Okay, hello."

"Yes, Mrs. Vause?"

Piper rolled her eyes while responding. "Yes, yes this is she."

"The doctor needed to cancel today's session, and she was wondering if you could do Friday?"

With her calendar open on her phone, Piper punched Friday up. "Do you have anything after 3:00 p.m., possibly?"

"The doctor can do 4:00."

"Oh, perfect. That works for me."

"We'll see you then." The phone disconnected.

Jotting the note in her calendar, Piper murmured absently, "Great, see you then." She despised the weekly counseling sessions.

The stranger handed Nicky back the phone. "She totally bought it."

Nicky rubbed her hands together gleefully. The lawyer shoved a $20 into the stranger's hand, proud of her latest attempt to put a wrinkle in Alex and Piper's budding relationship.

* * *

Piper decided to take advantage of the unexpected free afternoon and Alex-free apartment to take a nice long bubble bath. She docked her phone and blared the music, a rare reward since moving in with Alex. Despite being quite relaxed, Piper couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. She crawled out of the tub and frantically dialed the psychologist's office.

"Dr. Twitchell speaking."

"Yes, hi, this is Piper Chapman uhhh Vause, whatever. Was our session cancelled today? Annette called and rescheduled."

The therapist leaned back in her office chair. "Oh Ms. Chapman, your session is definitely still on. And any absence is considered contempt of court."

Piper quickly got dressed and ran outside to hail a cab. Luckily she was immediately picked up and was on her way to the counselor's office. She arrived just in time to see Alex enter the building alone. Piper paused for a few minutes, enraged. She waited until the last possible second to enter the office as she tried to calm herself.

Fuming, she threw herself onto the opposite end of the couch as far away from Alex as she could get. Piper's furiousness was quite evident with her crossed arms and legs and otherwise closed body language. Not realizing that Nicky was up to new tricks, Alex was confused at why Piper was so angry. She had done nothing to deserve the silent treatment. In fact, she thought things had been going quite well between them. No matter what Alex said, she couldn't get Piper to talk.

"You know what Piper, I'm done. I can't survive another spin on your merry-go-round. You are so up and down, hot and cold, but I can't do it anymore. So, enjoy the ride." Alex turned and spoke to the counselor. "We had a great weekend Dr. Twitchell. Piper met my entire family and things were going well, or so I thought. I can't handle this back and forth. I give up."

Piper refused to speak. The women both continued to sit in silence until Dr. Twitchell dismissed them at the end of the session.

* * *

Alex's head was still revolving the next time Nicky came over, spinning enough to have more to drink than she had been recently. "I don't understand her back and forth behavior. One minute we are enjoying each other's company on the couch. Next minute, she's talking to Larry. We have a good weekend at the park with my family and then she's ignoring me in our therapy session. I just don't get it Nicky."

Nicky took another drink and swayed towards Alex as she slurred out her response. "Ummm those two things may have been on me."

"What have you done Nicky?"

Through her alcohol haze, Nicky explained how she had returned Larry's engagement ring and told him about the party. She also told about her having a stranger call to "reschedule" the therapy session.

"Nic! Did you ever think that you are doing more harm than good? You are turning Piper against me." Alex was livid at her friend.

"Come on Stretch. Everything I do is for your own good. One day you will thank me."

It took Alex quite a bit of time to calm down from what she learned Nicky had done. She told Nicky how she had refused Piper's invitation to the company's weekend retreat. "I decided not to go because of the way that she's been acting towards me. Now I learn that you are the cause behind all of that."

"You are telling me that she asked you to come to a retreat for her job." Alex nodded into her beer. "Her job, the most important thing to her in the world."

"Yup. But I'm not going."

This sobered Nicky up a bit. "Alex, you need to get your ass down there. Be the perfect wife, all charming and shit. Then when you have them all eating out of the palm of your hand, give her this to sign." Nicky pulled out an envelope from her pocket.

"What's this?"

"This… is our last chance. This document relinquishes all her rights to the money. Right? You tell her if she doesn't sign it, you're going to out her in front of everybody. Her reputation at work will be shattered."

Alex slipped the paper out of the envelope and glanced over it. After tucking it back into the envelope, she slid it back over to Nicky. "No. I won't blackmail her."

Nicky tucked it into Alex's pocket. "Keep it – just in case."


	7. The Retreat

The retreat was being held at an old Georgian style mansion with perfectly manicured grounds, white chairs, and little tents spread about on the property. The weekend was designed around employees and their family having time to relax, mingle, and get to know each other.

Piper had on a cute little blue sundress which showed off her long, tanned legs. She was walking around the grounds with two drinks in her hands.

From behind her, she heard her boss's voice. "Hey Chapman."

Turning to face him, Piper responded, "Mr. Caputo."

"So, where's this wife of yours? I just met Sosoer's husband. He's a very smart guy, well put together." Caputo clicked his tongue. "Big decision is coming up soon. You need to fight if you want the promotion."

Piper looked around the people at various tables spread out over the outdoor space until she honed in a familiar voice. Alex was there with a crowd of men around her. Piper paused, taking in how Alex was dressed. She was wearing a tasteful green dress with spaghetti straps which showed off her toned arms. She had curled her black hair so that instead of falling straight down her back, it was in ringlets, perfectly framing her face. Watching her warmed Piper's heart as she realized just how beautiful Alex was.

"That's her over there." Piper smiled softly. "I'll just take this to her." Piper began to walk over towards Alex then turned back to her boss. "Mr. Caputo, I just wanted to take this moment to express to you my gratitude. I'll be seeing you at the..."

"The dining table." Piper's boss cut her off and went down to schmooze with the staff and their families. Piper was going to say at the party, but apparently, she and Alex had just been moved to the boss's table.

Alex was talking to the men around her. She pointed to the long rose tattoo beside a sexy woman on her arm. "This was actually my first ink. I got it on a bet with the guys I used to work with. Men, such wusses." The crowd laughed.

"Hey, hey!" Piper slid her arms around her wife's side and passed her the drink she was carrying.

"Babe, I've been looking everywhere for you. This is why all of you should have their wife on LoJack. I don't want this gorgeous one getting lost." The blonde rolled her eyes at Alex's antics. "Let me introduce you to my friends." Alex started pointing around the table. "This is David Young, your CFO."

"Mr. Young. An honor." Piper stretched her hand out to shake that of the CFO's.

"And this is… well… the rest of your board, actually. Great people. I have just been telling them the woes of a blue-collar furniture maker. Would you like a seat?" Alex stood and pulled out an empty chair so Piper could be seated.

"Don't let her fool you. She does really good work with her hands." Piper blushed as she realized the double entendre behind her words.

Mr. Caputo walked up and clapped Alex on the shoulders. "So, you're the lucky gal who caught our Chapman. You're a looker, too."

Alex turned to face Piper's boss. Ignoring his bigoted remarks, she reached out to shake his hand. "Alex Vause."

"Nice to meet you, Joe Caputo."

Seeing no more empty chairs around the table, Piper realized that Caputo probably wanted to visit with the organization's higher ups. She stood and tugged on Alex's hand. "Honey, we don't want to monopolize all of the board's time. And there are some more people you should meet." The couple said their goodbyes and began strolling about the grounds.

Alex draped her arm around Piper as they walked around the property's pond. "I know I've been behaving horribly towards you. I don't know what made you change your mind, but I'm glad you did. Thanks."

Not having the guts to tell Piper about Larry, she did share that Nicky had admitted to calling to "reschedule" their counseling appointment. "I am so sorry Piper. I've tried to tell Nicky to back off; it's just that sometimes she gets these fool ideas in her mind. I didn't know she was going to do that." Alex channeled all her sincerity into her voice in hopes to regain some of Piper's trust.

Surprisingly enough, Piper seemed to be in a particularly forgiving mood. Perhaps it had something to do with the closeness of the beautiful woman walking next to her. "Something has to give with Nicky. I hope you knocked some sense into her. Thanks again for coming this weekend. It means more to me than you know."

Alex's phone buzzed in her purse. She pulled it out to discover a text message from Nicky.

[Nicky]: _Did she sign it yet?_

"Do you need to answer that?"

Alex shook her head. "Nope, it's Nicky." The phone went off again.

[Nicky]: _Don't pussy out on me Stretch. Get her to sign it._

Rolling her eyes, Alex simply powered off her phone and slipped it back into her purse.

"I definitely **don't** need to answer it."

* * *

Piper was lounging in the sitting area of their room waiting for Alex to finish getting ready. When Alex walked out of the bathroom, Piper focused all her energy to keep her mouth from dropping to the floor. She gulped to clear the lump from her throat before she spoke. "You clean up pretty well, Al." Piper tried to tease Alex to hid her attraction to the black haired woman. She then turned her back to her wife. "Ummmm will you finish zipping me up?"

The taller woman simply smiled as she felt Piper's soft skin as her knuckles graced up Piper's back, pulling the zipper into position. "There." After taking a moment to admire the blonde, she took her wife by the arm and lead her down to the reception.

The couple approached the party, stopping at the open bar outside. Alex addressed the bartender. "Can I get two shots?" Seeing Piper's boss headed towards them, she changed her order. "Make that three."

"Hello Piper, Alex."

"Joe." Alex slid a shot over to Piper's boss. "Cheers."

"You guys having fun?" Piper and Alex both nodded.

"We met in Las Vegas," Piper admitted. "It's only fitting for tonight's reception to be casino night."

Mr. Caputo looked Alex up and down again. "You know, I like you Alex. I don't know why, but I do. Piper says you build furniture; I'd like to take a look at your work sometime." Alex ordered another round of shots. Piper's nerves were getting the best of her so she was downing the drinks as quickly as Alex could order them.

Mr. Caputo motioned towards Piper. "I had no idea this one was so much fun. She's very serious at work." Joe jokingly shouldered Piper who wobbled on her heels because of the rapid alcohol consumption.

Laughing, Alex responded, "You don't know her that well. This one's a wildcat." Alex made a growling sound like a cat. "She's always been a ball of laughter. There's nothing this woman loves more than a good party trick. You ever see what she can do with a dollar bill?"

Mr. Caputo shook his head as Piper shook her head, blushing. "No, it's just... It's a party trick. It's not..."

"I dare you." Alex pressed a kiss to her wife's cheek.

"I hate you." Piper shot daggers at her spouse.

"No, you don't. You love me. Joe, do you have any cash?" Alex chuckled as he handed over a crisp hundred-dollar bill.

"Here it goes." Piper started folding the bill to repeat the trick she had done in Vegas on the night she and Alex had met. Her hands were shaking as she tried to make sure that Franklin's face was perfect. When she was done, she tossed the C-note which had been transformed into the same cute little short-sleeved shirt with a collar onto the bar.

Piper's boss was impressed and began clapping. When Piper smiled, scooped up the money, and dropped the shirt into her purse to walk away, Mr. Caputo burst out laughing as he realized he'd been conned. He called out after her. "You know, had I seen this side of you before… I probably would have promoted you a long time ago."

* * *

The casino theme was seemingly quite popular. Everyone was milling about trying their hand at games of chance. Alex and Piper found themselves standing at the end of a craps table much like they had in Vegas. Piper handed Alex the dice to roll. The taller woman reluctantly took them then handed them back. "You know what? You shouldn't do that. Don't bet on me."

"Come on," Piper encouraged. "You got this. Throw the dice."

"Coming out." The croupier called as Piper handed the dice back to Alex.

"We need what? A seven?" Alex's voice was shaky from nerves.

"A seven," Piper called along with the others standing around the table. "Throw a seven."

Alex blew on the dice and tossed them down the table. "Seven! Oh, my God. We got it! Okay, I'm done. Can we quit?" Alex grabbed all their chips off the table before Piper could make them gamble their luck away.

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, would you please gather round? Come on. Don't be afraid." Alex was distracted while Mr. Caputo was talking. She had powered her phone back thinking that time would have given her some relief from Nicky's insistent behavior. The multiple buzzes and the display showed three missed calls and five more texts from Nicky, all begging her to take Piper down.

"This year's Golden Handshake Award for best team spirit goes to a new face, and one of the best conversationalists with a pretty face. I think you know who I'm talking about. Congratulations, Alex Vause!" Mr. Caputo held up the award as he led the audience in a round of applause.

Alex made her way to the stage not quite sure what to say at the unexpected award. "Well, thank you all for an amazing weekend. I... I have to thank my wife, Piper." Alex took a deep breath and swallowed a few times. "She probably never told you all the story about how we met. It might come as a surprise to many of you that we didn't know each other for very long before we got hitched."

Piper's shoulders immediately tensed, not knowing what was about to come out of Alex's mouth. She hung her head and prepared herself for disappointment. "What can I say though? When you know, you know. We didn't have what you might call a traditional wedding, and one of the things I regret the most was never having a chance to have a first dance. So..." She stepped down from the stage and reached out for Piper's hand.

The DJ made the official announcement. "Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, Mrs. Alex Vause and Mrs. Piper Chapman!" Alex wrapped her arms around Piper as they started to dance slowly.

"I wasn't sure what you were going to say Alex."

"I just said the truth Pipes." Alex swayed to the music with Piper as close to her as could be.

As Piper laid her head on Alex's chest, she said, "Do you hear that? They're clinking."

"Yeah. They are clinking." Alex grinned as she looked down at Piper. "You know that means they want us to kiss."

"Well, if that's what the crowd wants..." The couple stared into each other's eyes.

"Yeah, but if you're not up for it, you don't have to. It's ..." Piper cut her off by capturing her wife's lips in a soft kiss which Alex immediately deepened.

* * *

After the reception, Piper and Alex were lounging on the balcony of their room enjoying the quietness. The peaceful surroundings were relaxing and calming. Alex got up and poured two glasses of wine, returned and handed one to her wife.

"Tonight was nice Piper." There wasn't a bit of sarcasm in Alex's voice. The night had been too much fun for that. Alex lifted her arm, pulling Piper into her side. She had grown use to the closeness the couple shared.

"You've taught me a lot the past few months Pipes. I think you were right when you said I just quit. I think I stopped trying because then… I'd never have to lose." Both women sighed heavily. After they finished their wine, Alex spoke again. "We should probably get to bed Pipes."

The pair made their way inside and closed the curtains to the glass door. Piper turned around, facing away from Alex. "Can you undo my zipper? It gets stuck."

Alex moistened her lips looking at the smooth skin in front of her remembering how soft it had been earlier in the evening. She eased down the zipper of Piper's dress. "There you go," she said softly as the dress slipped down Piper's shoulders.

Piper held the front of her dress up with her arms. "Thanks." As Piper was in the bathroom changing into her nightgown, Alex readied her night clothes and made her pallet on the floor with the blankets and sheets.

"Hey, I…" Alex stopped what she was saying as she caught sight of the skimpy bra and panty set Piper had emerged from the bedroom in. She quickly averted her eyes and rushed to the bathroom herself. "The nice purple one," she murmured.

Piper slipped into the bed. "Good night Alex."

Alex knew that the agreement Nicky had prepared was burning a hole in her leather jacket pocket. But now she knew, without a doubt, there was no way she could do that to Piper. Blackmail was just not her style. She simply left the letter where it was and pushed it out of her mind. Alex changed clothes and made herself comfortable on the floor. "Good night Piper."

But neither woman slept much. They lay awake for most of the night trying to block images of the other out of their minds.

* * *

 _A/N: Your reviews have shown how much Nicky is being despised in this fic. I decided early on that if I wanted Vauseman, I couldn't have Alex being the antagonist. Because of the story line, I decided to have Nicky take on that role. This, obviously, is causing conflict between Alex and Piper which is compounded by the uncertainty of actions Piper feels Alex is causing. So don't hate on me - hate on Nicky._

 _I have two more chapters of this, but they are both extremely short. If I cannot beef them up, then I will combine them, and this story will be over with the next update. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Carry on._

* * *

 _Speaking of reviews..._

 _Librarybook – I hope I got the right scene… and spicy? Me? Naw! Ha ha ha_

 _Review of the chapter? Guest: Normally I like Nicky but right now I want to comb her hair. :D  
_ _I burst out laughing – literally. When I realized she was the actress from "But I'm a Cheerleader, I thought to myself – Oh Natasha Lyonne DOES have nice hair. Ha ha_


	8. Divorce and Finding the Truth

Back at their apartment, the pair stood side by side folding clothes. Neither of them enjoyed the chore, so it was one of the tasks they shared as a married couple. Alex was folding underwear and Piper was folding shirts. Alex bumped Piper with her shoulder. "You are so slow."

"You are only folding underwear Alex. Come on."

"Let's race!" An evil twinkle shown in Alex's eye. They split the clothes pile into two sets. "Ready? Set? Go!" Both women started frantically folding various pieces of clothes. As the pile dwindled them, between Alex began taking underwear and throwing it at Piper who ended up giggling. They collapsed to the bed, lying next to each other, faces only a few inches apart. Alex stared into Piper's blue eyes then reached up to tuck a stray strand of blonde hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear.

Their eyes stayed locked for quite some time. Eventually Alex sighed and got off the bed. She gathered the messily folded clothes and went to put them up. Piper stayed on the bed a bit longer trying to catch her breath.

Each woman was realizing how much she'd miss the other when the marriage would be over after their court visit the next day. Neither were quite sure what to do with their mixed emotions surrounding the obvious attraction to each other coupled with the pending divorce.

* * *

In an attempt for some fast closure, Piper finished her packing before going to court the next morning. She was conflicted - not at the divorce as much as at leaving Alex. She was starting to grow attached to the sly woman with a sarcastic sense of humor. She picked up the leather jacket Alex had worn to the company gathering. Piper brought it to her nose, smelling in only what could be described as pure Alex.

She felt something in the pocket and withdrew an envelope. She pulled out the paper and read through the agreement that Nicky had prepared for Piper to give up her share of the jackpot in exchange for Alex keeping quiet about their arranged marriage to her boss. The shock of the words caused her to have to take a seat on the couch to re-read and to fully comprehend the unsigned agreement.

Piper's face flushed as her heart rate increased rapidly – she didn't know whether it was from anger towards Alex having planned to con her out of her share of the money or at Alex's taking advantage of the situation between them and kissing her in front of all her co-workers. And then there was all the other insanely close moments they had shared alone.

Now all Piper felt was frustration, rage, wrath… the feelings were beginning to be overwhelming. Eventually, she managed to push everything out of her head knowing that soon she would be free from the entire situation.

* * *

"Piper, Piper!" A familiar voice called out to her as she left the Stock Exchange to head to the courthouse.

Confused, Piper turned around to see Larry standing in front her of her - again. "Larry? We don't have anything to talk about. I told you this. I'm sorry. I have someplace to be…"

Larry grabbed Piper's hands as he did at the park when he last saw her. "Piper, let's get back together. I made a huge mistake letting you go. I know that now. Seeing you the other day, you had this glow about you. Not that you didn't before," he stuttered, "but I suppose it took me losing you to realize what I had."

He pulled Piper's engagement ring out of his pocket and offered it to her. "This is yours. I gave it to you, and I want you to have it, regardless of your decision."

"Where did you get this?" Piper was infuriated as she snatched the ring from Larry. The token of the now broken engagement had been hidden away in the apartment bathroom. She honestly hadn't given it a second thought since she had taken it off her finger, but she knew where she had last left it. Piper turned to make her way to the courthouse not wanting any additional conflict added to today's already stressful schedule.

"And Piper, you _are_ good enough for me. I mean that!" Larry called after Piper who was halfway down the block.

What Larry said was sentiment that Piper had only shared with Alex during one of their close, soul-searching moments together. Knowing she had told Larry how she felt made Piper cringe as she continued to stomp down the street. Her heart shattered a little bit more with each step.

* * *

Piper entered the courtroom a defeated woman. She made her way to her side of the room and took a seat next to her lawyer. She refused to even as much as look at Alex who become concerned at Piper's sullen mood which hadn't been present when Alex left the apartment earlier that day.

Alex had finally admitted to herself that she had definitely developed feelings for Piper. The anger plastered across Piper's face told a tale of something setting Piper off once again. Alex's heart was heavy as her frustration towards her best pal shot through the roof.

She whisper-yelled at her lawyer friend. "What the fuck did you do now Nicky?" Alex motioned towards Piper. Nicky just shook her head and shrugged. Alex grabbed Nicky by the front of her shirt and jerked her around so she could look at her face. "Nic, for fucks sake, I **care** about her. Whatever you have done, and I know you have done something, you are going to regret it."

Their conversation was interrupted by the judge. He entered, took his seat and rapped his gavel against the wooden sound block. "Court is called to order." He looked down his nose at the pair in front of him. "Well, look who we have here, the happy couple, newlyweds of six months. Did you learn anything?" Both Alex and Piper nodded their affirmative answers as they took their seats. "We'll see," the judge scoffed. "The court calls Dr. Twitchell to the stand."

"Now, Dr. Twitchell, in your opinion, did the couple, Alex Vause and Piper Chapman, obey the court order to live together as wife and wife, and do you believe they put sufficient effort into the marriage?"

The marriage counselor nee psychologist told the judge about individual problems that each of the pair had. Alex's eyes were glued on Piper who had a permanent scowl etched on her face. "But together, in my honest opinion, they're perfect for each other. They bicker like couples about the most asinine things, just like married couples. It's the real thing. Go figure." Alex gave a small smile at that admission from the doctor. But her smiled quickly vanished when she realized Piper's frown was still firmly in place.

The judge seemed impressed by what he heard. He then motioned towards Nicky for her to present her case. Nicky stood and slid a folder to Piper's table as she approached the judge.

"Judge, Ms. Chapman ran up $10,000 in credit card debt in my client's name, and my client recently took out a loan in the same amount for materials for her new furniture business. Therefore, we propose the following settlement, Your Honor. The original $3 million, deduct half for taxes and $20,000 that's already been spent, that leaves $1.48 million to be divided... equally, $740,000 each. We feel that is fair and certainly equitable."

The judge smiled. "Ahhh so you finally learned to share, which is what you should have done in the first place, and we wouldn't have had to go through this last six months of misery." He turned to Piper. "Do you accept this settlement Ms. Chapman?"

After conferring with her client, Piper's lawyer responded. "No, Your Honor, we do not."

"Gold-digging whore." Nicky grumbled under her breath.

Glaring at Nicky and Alex on the other side of the room, Piper stood to speak for herself. "I don't want any of the money. I just want the divorce." Her face was drawn and wore an expression of extreme sadness.

Shocked, the judge thought for a moment. "Ms. Chapman, are you sure?"

"Yes, Your Honor, I am." Piper's voice was flat, without affect.

"Well, then I hereby grant the divorce and award all the monies to Ms. Vause. Court is adjourned." The judge again hit his gavel on the sound block and left to his chambers.

Piper walked over to a shell-shocked Alex and tossed Larry's engagement ring along with the letter on the table. "You win, Alex. And to think that we were actually beginning to get close."

"I found this letter in your jacket from the retreat, and then there's this." She nudged the ring forward a bit. "You went to Larry? Seriously? Fuck you Alex. I officially want nothing from you." Alex's heart sunk to the bottom of her stomach as Piper walked off. She was so shell-shocked that she couldn't even gather her thoughts enough to go after Piper and figure out what had happened.

Alex grabbed Nicky and interrupted her celebration. "See what the fuck you did Nic? Damn you." Nicky just looked at her blankly then shrugged again, not wanting to shoulder any of the blame. "You just don't know when to back out of things that do not concern you."

"You got the money. Big deal. Now let's party!"

"Nicky – you know what? Money or no money, I don't think I need to be around you right now. That woman that just walked away from me – she has changed me, more than you know. And you've hurt her, so how about you seriously leave me alone?"

* * *

The next day, Piper showed up at work the next day as a single woman for the first time in six months. The big event for the day was the board meeting that had been looming on the horizon for quite some time. Mr. Caputo spoke. "Now we come to the final item on our agenda. Congratulations, Chapman. You got the promotion."

A feeble smile graced Piper's face. "Thank you, Mr. Caputo. But actually, I didn't come into work today for the promotion. I came in to tender my resignation." She turned to Soso. "The promotion is yours Soso. You're good and you deserve it."

Soso pumped her fist. "Yes!"

Mr. Caputo looked at Piper questionably. "You sure you know what you're doing, quitting like this?"

"No, Mr. Caputo, I don't." Piper's head was swirling. "But I think that's the point. I recently learned from someone that I would rather do nothing and be happy than do something that I don't love." Piper excused herself from the meeting and went to human resources to finalize her paperwork for leaving the company.

"Well, I lost her at 'happy'." Mr. Caputo continued. "I don't know what the hell she was trying to say anyway. Well done, Sosoer. The job is yours."

* * *

Alex was working on a dining table on the factory floor when Red showed up. "So… Alex made a piece of furniture. And surprise! She finished it." Red closely examined the table her niece had been working on.

"Okay. Go ahead, Aunt Red. What's wrong with it?" Alex hung her head expecting the disparaging remarks that she knew were coming her way.

"Nothing. It's good. Fine work. I'm proud of you." Red clapped Alex on the shoulders. "But..."

"Here we go." Alex rolled her eyes.

"...you royally screwed up where Piper is concerned."

"That whole charade was mistake, okay? We got married in Las Vegas for Christ's sake. The entire marriage was a lie!" Alex's frustration showed in her shouting.

Red narrowed her eyes. "The marriage might have been a mistake, and a wee bit hasty. But it was **not** a lie. I know you Alex. I think that anybody who has spent time with you two recently could tell how you feel about her. So go. Go now. I'll have the boys clean up here." Red shooed Alex away with her hands. "Find your Piper and make things right."

* * *

An unfamiliar number showed as an incoming call on Alex's phone as Alex trudged up the stairs to the apartment, not knowing what to expect when she walked through the door of the apartment she had shared with Piper the last six months. Tentatively, she answered, "Hello?"

"She's gone, Alex." Polly was livid.

"Gone? What do you mean, gone?" Alex's voice had a hint of frantic in it. "Where is she?" Alex ran the rest of the way up the stairs and quickly unlocked the apartment to find it completely devoid of Piper's belongings.

"She lost her mind. She quit her job, shut off her phone. And took off. All of the boxes she had stored here are gone, and I would venture to say that her things from your place are not there either. Look, I don't care much for you, and I really want to cut your friend Nicky. Seriously."

"But for some fucked up reason, you're like… the only person that Piper can actually be herself with." Polly's voice softened with the admission about her best friend.

Alex was listening while she checked all the nooks and crannies Piper had stuffed her belongings. "Where is she Polly?" The only thing Alex could find was the framed picture of Piper's lighthouse. Alex clutched it to her chest as she sat on the bed.

"I want to tell you. I really do. The issue is I don't know Alex. She just vanished."

"What DO you know?" Alex nerves were pooling in her stomach.

"Nothing." Polly stopped a bit to contemplate. "She's miserable right now, and I'm sure all she wants to do is to find her inner happiness again."

A realization was triggered in Alex's mind as she chuckled. "Polly! Thank you."

"What?"

"Just thank you. I know where she is." Alex immediately disconnected and dashed out of the apartment to go get Piper.

* * *

A short drive to the waterfront and ferry trip later, Alex parked in the lot behind the lighthouse where she and Piper had watched the lunar event. She easily found Piper walking on the beach, barefooted. wearing a blue jean jacket over a white t-shirt with a blue scarf around her neck and rolled up jeans. Alex stood on the boardwalk watching the blonde for a while before walking towards her.

Piper felt Alex approaching. "You found me." She turned around to face her ex-wife as the ocean breeze whipped her hair around.

"You left this behind," Alex held out the framed photograph of Piper's lighthouse to her, "and I wanted to bring it back to you." Piper smiled at Alex's gesture of kindness as she took the frame. Comfortable silence settled between the pair as they meandered their way back to the boardwalk, taking a seat on the wooden structure.

Alex worked up her nerve to speak first. "Look when we were married, Nicky did some pretty awful things trying to run you off. I tried my best to get her to stop but she wouldn't. I know that's not an excuse for the way she acted, but I am truly sorry. I should have been more convincing with her."

Alex paused to see if Piper wanted to say something. When Piper didn't speak, she continued. She told Piper everything, including what Nicky had told Larry when she gave him the ring. "Piper look at me. She knew Piper. She could tell I was falling in love with you. For some reason, that bothered her. Best I can figure is Nicky went bat-shit-crazy, a little more than normal."

"You. Are. Amazing. The time we spent together has been the best of my life. You bet on me Piper, and you made me want to bet on myself."

Piper turned her head to look at Alex. "You were falling in love with me?" Alex nodded. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Pipes, we kept having these moments. I thought that surely one day you'd notice. You'd be able to tell." Alex turned to face Piper and placed a hand on her cheek. "I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be rejected."

Piper covered Alex's hand with her own. "I wouldn't reject you. I can't reject you."

Alex pointed to one of the tattoos she had on her arm. _Love is Pain._ "Piper Chapman, you have taught me that this… is wrong. Love is not pain."

Piper leaned forward, pressing her forehead against Alex's. "How did we get so far off track?"

Chuckling, Alex quickly responded. "Nicky." Piper laughed.

"You know Alex, for so long, I tried to please everyone in my life from Larry to my mother. And by going out of my way to **not** please you, I think I became myself again. I love you Alex."

Alex grinned. "Good, because I love you, too. Can we just start all this over again without my best friend's help? Piper Chapman, will you marry me? Again? I don't have a ring to give you this time."

Tears were streaming down Piper's face. "That's okay. The last one turned my finger a permanent green." They both laughed. "Alex, I do want to marry you again. But …"

Alex froze at Piper's pause.

"Can we go on a date first?"

"One." Alex laughed as she kissed Piper gently. "I'll give you one date."

Piper covered her face with her hands. "Oh gawd Alex. What am I going to do with my life? I quit my job." The blonde began laughing hysterically. "You should have seen Caputo's face when I resigned."

"I'm proud of you."

"Someone taught me that if I wasn't happy, why should I bother? But seriously, now… I'm utterly happy, yet still unemployed. "

"Well, it's a good thing that I have..." Alex's grin stretched from ear to ear, "that **we** have a ton of money."

Piper's eyes lit up. "Oh, my God! That's right. We hit the jackpot."

"I think **_I_** am the one who hit the jackpot." Alex moved in for another kiss.

* * *

 _A/N:_

 _I want to thank each of your who have suffered through this story with me. While I did depend a great deal on the movie dialogue in the first few chapters, I hope that the story was somewhat redeemed with a our beloved Vauseman and a sprinkling of originality. (It was never my attention to rip off the movie – "Copyright infringement" I believe one guest said.)_

 _Regardless thanks for sticking it out to the end. Your reading and reviews are appreciated._

 _Only a_ _ **very**_ _short epilogue remains before this story will be marked complete._


	9. As the Credits Roll - Epilogue

**_EPILOGUE_**

* * *

 ** _Six Months Earlier_**

The shorter bride wore a Madonna style wedding dress with tons of fake pearls around her neck and a veil tilted to one side. She held a huge margarita with a straw sticking out of the glass. The taller one donned a t-shirt with a printed tux shirt and green bow tie on it. She held a beer, also with a straw "Now, Piper, do you take this young woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health…"

The officiant was distracted by the frizzy haired woman and her brown-haired friend who had come in with the couple he was marrying right now. They were off in the corner fornicating about as much as a couple could while still clothed. The brown-haired woman had her leg wrapped around the frizzy haired one who was loudly moaning.

"Uh-huh." Piper nodded her head as she kept one hand on Alex's shoulder to keep from swaying too much.

"...for richer or for poorer..."

"I do. I take her."

Polly was yelling at Nicky. "Naughty! Naughty!" Both brides turned to laugh at their drunken companions.

"Alex, would you put the ring upon her finger?"

Piper had turned to wave at Polly only to find both the other women shirtless and braless. "This is it! Oh, my God!" Polly didn't seem to be hating on Nicky at that point!

"You may kiss the bride."

"This is the greatest day of my life!" Alex was hooting as Piper tossed her garter into the crowd of couples waiting their turn at the wedding chapel.

"Bye! Thank you!" Piper called out to the minister. "Bye-bye."

Alex broke free of Piper's grasp and approached the couple fornicating in the corner. She located their clothing beneath the church pew and tossed the shirts in their direction. She nudged Nicky with her foot and said, "let's get out of here you fool."

* * *

Larry was sitting in his posh apartment sipping a drink when his doorbell rang. "Just a moment…" He put down his drink and newspaper and went to answer the door. On his doorstep was a burning bag. He quickly stomped it to put out the fire to only end up with melted dog poo on his shoes.

Polly and Nicky were around the corner laughing their asses off.

"Why," Larry cried. "Why!?"

Polly pushed her finger into his chest. "You know why!" She then junk-punched him, high fiving Nicky as she walked away.

Nicky laughed at the man and repeated, "you know why!" Then they both ran off.

* * *

 _A/N: I know – back to the movie script. But I couldn't help it!_

 _A guest asked if other movies were on their way… Mercy, I wouldn't have any idea where to even start!_


End file.
